Why Adulting Is So Hard, Even When You Raised an Independent Kid

Why does adulting feel so hard, especially when a young person first leaves home? 

College freshmen are expected to manage their schedules, responsibilities, relationships, stress, and decisions, often without the structure they have relied on for 18 years. Even a responsible student can become overwhelmed when so many changes happen at once. 

In this episode, Cynthia explains why young adults may struggle to ask for help, even when they need it, and why receiving support does not make them less independent. She also shares her own experiences with leaving college, supporting a daughter through college anxiety, and navigating the many transitions that continue throughout adulthood. 

If your college freshman is stumbling through the transition into adulthood, The Resilient Launch can give them personalized support as they learn to manage life more independently. 

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Email me:  ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com
Text me:  785-380-2064
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Transcript

Why is adulting so hard? About five years ago when I started my podcast, I had a 21-year-old reach out to me and say, "Can you do an, a episode about why adulting is so hard?" And, uh, I had never really thought about it before at that time, and so I really just sat down and thought about what makes being a very young adult, what is so hard about that? And I realized then, and I'm s- I've been using this same concept since, that we go through a lot of transitions in our lives, and we're transitioning from the minute we're born. We're transitioning into a toddlerhood, and then elementary, and then being a teenager, and then going out into the world. But I think that transition when you're leaving your home that you've lived in for 18 years where so many people have been telling you what to do, and putting the boundaries on you, and helping you figure out how to do these things, all of a sudden you don't have any of that structure in place anymore. Now, maybe your parents have done a really good job of getting you to understand boundaries and how do you police yourself and/or parent yourself. I don't know. I call it both ways sometimes. How do you take care of things when you don't want to? How do you do stuff when it's boring, or how do you get motivated, or whatever? And so maybe you already know some of those things, but the transition is still huge because you've just never had to navigate so many things at the same time. And as I thought about it for that episode five years ago, and for that, that young man that I that asked that question, I thought about I'm still transitioning through different things, and you will your entire life. And yes, those transitions are hard too, but you have some experience of doing things on your own with that transition. So for example, I'm 58, and I'm going through sort of a midlife menopause, whatever kind of transition, and I'm trying to figure that out. And talking to my friends that are going through the same thing so we can get all the tips and tricks and, you know, "What are you doing? Here's what I'm doing. Oh, that worked. I'm gonna try that," all of those kinds of things. My husband and I are also transitioning with aging parents, and that is interesting because for so many years of your life, your parent is the, you know, the healthy one that's take care of you. They make the decisions, and then even when you are going through quite a bit of your adulthood, your parent is still you know, doing fine and going on with their retired life or whatever. Well, now our parents are having more medical issues and needing to have more help, and decisions being made with them and for them, and so that transition is difficult. And so we're talking to our friends who have that s- situation going on, and what do you do, and how can we help? And so we're trying to figure that out. But we're always going to other people that are navigating it too or have already done it to help us. And we're also g- we've just been grandparents for the last four and a half years, and we now have three grandchildren. They all live in three different families. So there's the transition of how do we relate to our kids now who are parents to someone else, and how do we have boundaries for the time, you know, that we spend versus not spend? And having to learn how to parent again when we haven't had to really parent anybody for a while, just in the, how do we relate and how do we learn all these new rules that parents have that we didn't have, and how do we, you know, deal with all that? So, and then we talk to our friends who are grandparents, and, "Oh my gosh, how do you do this?" And, "We tried this, and what's happening with you?" And watching all the TikToks about grandparenting or aging parents or all this stuff. And so we're all always going through transitions. But luckily for us as older middle-aged people, we have done a lot of transitions- Before, like all, like we went, you know, left our homes, and then we got married, and then we had our own children, and then, you know, we got new jobs, and we changed jobs. And like all the things that, that that adults transition, we've done those, and we've seen that we can figure it out, we can problem solve, we can go to the people who know and get help from them and support from them. So that's what I... I, I think young adults, when they first go out into the world, they wanna prove that they can do it themselves because they've been telling their parents, "I can do it, I can do it, I can do it." And then when they get out there, and it's scary, and it's uncomfortable, and they don't know what to do, they don't wanna tell their parents that they don't know how to do it, and they don't know who to go to that can lead them and help them. And so I'm just letting you know that I'm one of those people, and I'm not the only one, but I am one of those people that loves young people, loves helping. I have been a helper of young people my entire adult life. It comes from the heart of I just love young people. It also comes from the fact that I stumbled around a lot as I was trying to figure out how to be an adult. My kids stumbled around. I've, I have experienced a daughter with anxiety, and she wasn't diagnosed till she was in college, and there was a lot of stuff going on there, and panic attacks, and me trying to help her through those things. I dropped out of college when, in that first semester right out of out of high school. That just seemed to be so overwhelming. And so I have experiences and love for young people, and I just wanna share it and help you through this process, and help the parents too because it is a transition for the parent to have a child leave their home. Maybe you're the first one, maybe you're the last one, maybe you're in the middle, I don't know, but it's hard for parents for that transition too. And so I wanna be a supportive listening ear for them as well, and I have resources for them too. Even though I don't do the coaching with the parents necessarily, sometimes just listening is kinda like coaching. And of course, if I ever, if they do want some advice or ideas, I certainly help brainstorm those things too. It's just that my main program and my main work is with the young person So if you are interested in this or you see your child, kinda stumbling around in this adulting, I can help with that. And I also am still helping high school students with anxiety to help navigate the high school piece and just relationships, and friends, and teachers, and neurodiversity, and just all the things that go on for young people. I can help you with that too. So I just wanted to step in, and for one, I haven't been around for a couple of days, a week maybe, because of  my transitions to doing a lot of grandparenting recently because of, um, daycare not being open, doing a lot of aging parent stuff. And I just wanted you to know I'm still here and I'm still doing stuff, so I will talk to you soon