Why Your Teen May Need Someone Besides You

In this episode, I’m joined by Cristina, a former client who is now out of college, working as a mechanical engineer, living on her own, and building her adult life.

Cristina and I talk about what it really feels like to launch into college and young adulthood. We discuss the excitement of freedom, the shock of change, finding your people, rebuilding confidence after heartbreak, setting boundaries, and why even capable young adults need support.

One of the most powerful parts of this conversation is Cristina’s perspective on coaching. She shares what it was like to have a neutral adult who was not her parent, someone she could say the messy things to, sort through her thoughts with, and begin to trust herself again.

This conversation fits perfectly with my Resilient Launch work because getting ready for college is not just about dorm rooms, laundry, schedules, and grades. It is about helping young people build emotional regulation, self-trust, resilience, confidence, and the ability to keep going when life feels uncertain.

If you are parenting a high school senior, college student, or young adult who looks like they are doing fine but may still need support, this episode will help you understand why that support matters. 

 Struggling with anxiety in your family? If anxiety is causing tension, fights, or disconnect in your home, you don’t have to face it alone. I help parents bring more peace, confidence, and connection to their families. Let’s talk—schedule a free consultation today or email me: ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com

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Transcript

Today’s episode is a really special one because I am talking with Cristina, a former client of mine who is now out of college, working as a mechanical engineer, living on her own, and building her adult life.

This conversation is such a beautiful example of why the transition into college and young adulthood is about so much more than grades, dorm rooms, schedules, and laundry.

Cristina and I talk about what it felt like to leave home, how college can be both exciting and overwhelming, what it means to find your people, and why even capable, high-achieving young adults sometimes need support from someone who is not their parent.

One of the things I love about this conversation is how honestly Cristina explains what coaching felt like for her. She talks about having a neutral person to say the messy things to, someone who could help her sort through her thoughts, reflect them back, and help her make sense of what was really going on.

We also talk about relationships, confidence, boundaries, loneliness, discomfort, phones, human connection, and the difference it makes when a young person has support while they are figuring out who they are becoming.

This episode fits so perfectly with my Resilient Launch program because Resilient Launch is not just about helping teens get ready for college. It is about helping them build the emotional regulation, self-trust, confidence, and resilience they need to handle freedom, uncertainty, relationships, and real life.

So whether you are parenting a high school senior, a college student, or a young adult who looks like they are doing fine but may still need support, I think you will hear so much in this conversation that matters.

  Cristina Interview Transcript

 today I want to introduce you to a ex-client of mine that was a client of mine when she was in college. And since I'm working on this college program, I wanted everyone to hear kind of what her experience was while she was going through the throes of it in college, and how the things that I do in my program are helpful for those college students. Because I know that sometimes the student themselves is like, "I don't think I need to talk to anyone," or, "I don't want to do this." And so I'm gonna let her tell a lot about her story and how it all came about. I did not actually start working with her until the summer after her sophomore year, so she'd already been through s- some of that beginning, the beginning college stuff. But there were some things that were happening that, um, are the reason that we got together. So I'm gonna kind of mix the story up a little bit, Christina. I didn't say that I was gonna do that. But let's start with how you felt when your parents said, "Hey, I want you to talk to someone," and then we'll go back to, um, you know, what college at the beginning was like for you when you didn't know me, and then when you did know me. So let's start with what was it like when your parents were like, "Christina, I think you need to talk to somebody"? Yes. So I'm not a very combative person at all. I'm usually, like, probably to this day, I'm more of, like, on the pushover side of things if we're gonna put it on a scale. Um, and my- me and my parents get along probably better than any parent-kid relationship that I've ever seen. I'm not even trying to flex, it just is. So, um, when they... Uh, long story short, I was going through a bit of a, you know, a classic breakup type of deal. You know, hap- happens to almost all of us, and I wasn't handling it g- the greatest, and I was sharing that with my parents. And after a certain timeframe, my parents are like, "All right, dude. Y- you gotta pick yourself by, up by your bootstraps or do something about it." And I'm like, "I'm working through it." But they suggested that I speak to somebody. And not knowing that this somebody was Cynthia, I was pro- that was probably the most anti any idea they have ever pitched to me in my entire life. And I'm not even saying that to, to emphasize my point. Like, I truly was at the dinner table almost wanting to, like, slam my fist and say, "No, guys," like, "Stop." Um, I was, I was almost offended that they thought there was something wrong with me. It was like a, like, "Oh," like, "you're beyond our help," like, "You need somebody professional to talk to." I'm like, "No, guys, I'm just going through a breakup. Relax." Um, but alas, long story short, after some convincing, I am sitting with this exact same computer talking to Cynthia, just kind of the whole situation. And something about... Uh, C- Cynthia's not the first person I talked to. I also wanna make that very clear. Uh, I did have another online... She, I think she was considered a therapist, the, the first person, but point being I did not like that person. She, I think, did more harm than help. So I was not very open to talking to Cynthia at all. But I open up the computer, uh, Cynthia's there ready to, to hear me, and honestly, that's the word I wanna use is hear me, because she's w- the one thing that really drew me to her was not only just, like, her very calming energy that's even exudes through a screen. Uh, it's the fact that she wants to hear you and listen to you and not tell you exactly what's wrong with you and how you need to fix it. Uh, it was, uh, literally from the first call, it was like a, um... I'm kinda telling her the high level of my problems, and did I fully understand them? No. But somehow she just kind of, like, reflects those exact words right back to me, and they somehow make more sense than when I first iterated them So I was like, "Ooh, wait." The last thing I wanted to do is tell my parents that they were kind of right. Um, but it was just so good I kind of had to. So now here we are, gosh, like s- three, four years later? Yes. So. Yes. And that's what I love about the mostly the longevity of our relationship, and that's one thing that I want to make sure everyone knows is that we've never met each other in real life. Like, our whole relationship has been through Zoom. But there is still something so connecting about that, and, um, we will definitely meet each other in person someday. Um, and we've tried, um, we just haven't figured it out yet, but we are totally gonna do it. But I love that, um, I think so many young people feel exactly what you were saying is that, um, for one, my parents think something's wrong with me, and I don't want to hear that. Um, and that there are... And I think that therapy's an amazing thing too. I mean, there's, there's so many things that can help people. It's not just, um, coaching or the things that I do. But I do think that there is an element of when you are listened to and someone actually hears what you're saying and doesn't try to change it or tell you anything about it, is just truly listening, people start to heal almost immediately just by being heard. Because truthfully, I think all people just want someone to hear them, and your parents are beautiful people, and you love them very much, and you're very close to them. But it's hard for someone who loves you so much to hear and not say "I think this," or, "You should be doing this," or, you know, like that's because they love you so much. And even as a parent, I mean, I hear my kids differently than I hear my clients because there's a different relationship there. And I still greatly love you and what's going on with you and care very much about what happens with you, but it is a different... It's just different. And there's something about that neutral person that you can just give everything to, stuff that you would be ashamed to tell your parents, stuff that you would be worried to tell your parents because you don't want them to worry about you. You can tell this other person, and they can help you, as a parent would, work through the stuff, but you don't have the same attachment, like the- the negative, shameful feelings about it. It's just more like, "Oh, I can- I can give myself space with this, and I can look at it differently." And there's just... I just don't think there's any other way to do that except for a- a- a neutral adult outside of your family. And I'm not saying that... I mean, you gotta have your parents, too. I find that all of my clients that have a close relationship with their parents do way better than those that, you know, are hating them or don't have a relationship or whatever. But- but you just need that outside entity. And so let's go back to when you first went to college, 'cause I didn't know you then, and a lot of the stories that I'm telling in my social media and the story that I've been telling about my own self is that I didn't think I was gonna have any problems in college. And if my parents... I mean, I don't know what they thought, but I think even if I asked them they would've said, "Oh yeah, we knew you were gonna be fine 'cause you were so excited," and you were like, "I'm doing this, and I'm gonna do all the things." And then when I got there, it wasn't like that, and I thought there was something wrong. And so you kind of have- have a different experience. But talk a little bit about what was it like when you went from high school to, um, college, which was, you know, you moved away states and you went to a big school. Yes, yes. So I guess I'm originally from, like, the Houston area of Texas, and then I went to the University of Alabama. So we have about a 10-hour drive home. It's not an impossible one, but you gotta be pretty intentional. Um, I... Like, to this day, it kind of surprises me how smooth my personal college transition was, especially considering how close my parents and I have always been. Um, however, mine is, my experience was kind of unique, uh, just relative to, I guess, the country. People in Katy, Texas would understand that our high schools are huge. We have about 4,000 people at every single high school, and we have, I think nowadays, like 13 high schools in the city. So anonymity was just the norm. Like, if I were to disappear off the face of the earth, like, my second to last day at senior year of high school, only a small handful of people would have really noticed, and cared even less. Mm-hmm. So it's one of those things where I, the big mass of people in college almost felt like another opportunity rather than a, a, something terrifying. Yeah. Because I had my pick of who I could be friends with at this point. Um, I had about 4,000 people I could choose in my high school, and I came out with honestly one or two really, really good ones that I still talk to to this day. Um, so then if I talk to, if I have a pool of 40,000, ooh- Mm-hmm ... I'm gonna have a lot of friends, even if it's just that nth percentile. Um, which is true. Um, that did happen. I was, I was a lot more receptive to it just because it just felt a lot more natural than most people, um, which again, very thankful for. And it also helped that I had a support network like my family to fall back on if ever anything did go left, and sometimes it did. It wasn't perfect. Um, but I did go into high school, or I'm sorry, into college, um, in a relationship. Um, things were feeling pretty secure in that point. So I had kind of a pretty decent cushion going into college despite the distance from my family, so. Mm-hmm. And so the boyfriend that you went with that was there too, you feel like that gave you, like, that comfort circle that you could break out of to meet these other new people, but you still felt pretty confident because you had, like, this... It was almost like having your, your blankie with you. You know, like I have this one thing that really makes me feel comfortable, and then I can branch out from there. And then after a year or so, I think it was about a year of, of college, then that broke up Yes. So, so the big reason why having a boyfriend at the time was such a comfort blanket for me was I've never been the type to just, like, be super, super boy crazy and just like... I, and as an engineer, um, a female engineer, there's not very many of us, and in order to make friends in engineering you kind of have to talk to boys. But I wanted... I, I was kind of scared to ma- ma- make them think that, oh, I wanted one thing or another. Mm-hmm. So having a boyfriend was a perfect, like, let's be friends, that's it. Mm-hmm. And it was great. I loved it. And not only that, we had a pretty g- like, objectively very good relationship throughout college, albeit long distance. Um, what I look back on nowadays is like, you know, to this day I'm like, wow, I just was so comfortable in just being myself, talking to people, what have you. But, um, it was kind of this false sense of security that I had through that relationship, and when that fell through a little bit after my sophomore year, I mean, I was... at that point I was interning already. Like, my life was truly blossoming. Um, I didn't realize how much I relied on the validation of somebody else to have any sort of worth in myself, and that didn't even come to light when we broke up. And it... When we broke up, I talked to Cynthia a year later, give or take. Mm-hmm. So I had a lot of time to kind of sit and stir with all those emotions, and I wasn't really getting anywhere. And long story short, my parents were kind of, like, fed up. They're like, "You need to do something about this." And then hence the story about me putting my foot down and saying no, and now here we are. Mm-hmm. Okay. So when we started meeting each other then, that was the summer before your junior year, and you were at an internship at that point, um, that you were working on, and then you were gonna go back to the University of Alabama that fall. And then we stayed with each other all through your junior year, all through your senior year, and even until now. This is, you've almost finished a whole year of your first adult job outside of, uh, college. So we are, we've been together for a long time, and it's been wonderful. Um, so you said you kind of spun around in, you know, dealing with the break-up, and you'd been spinning for a year, like, trying to figure out how to process the break-up. And so what was it about when we started meeting and talking that helped you to start thinking about things differently? Honestly, like the, I have, I mean, literally the book is right here. I have my little book of Cynthia's one-liners that she'd occasionally give out to me. And it wasn't like a I tell her something and she says, "Don't do this, do this." A lot of what she told me was just more about putting things in perspective. And when I say things, I quite literally mean anything. Um, 'cause at that point, anything was sending me to a spiral. I would see a blue Lexus and I would be like, "Oh, gosh," like, "that was a sign that I've done something wrong," 'cause he drove a blue Lexus. And I'm like- Mm ... "What?" So those little things that were ob- like objectively really, really crazy, and like I've kind of just lost the plot line of life, that Cynthia would just kind of bring me back and ground me to what everything kind of really meant. And- Mm ... one thing that was really special, too, is, like I said, that mirror of being able to tell her just, again, throw up all my answers at her. Her being able to kind of sort through and pick through kind of a, kind of give me like a chronological understanding of what my thoughts are. And once we have that, we continue on with some, you know, targeted questions to kind of pick through what exactly is going on. And she has that understanding of people. And maybe I'm just very lucky in that we're similar in a lot of ways, or maybe she's just so, like, fluid in how she deals with people that everyone feels like they relate to her, which I don't know, I sure do. But it's that, those like guided questions that, again, I would answer. She would only be a- asking questions. I would answer them. And, you know, we'd, we'd end the call and have some little notes, and I'd be like Oh. Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. So there, there's... I mean, even to this day, again, we've, we've been talking for a few years now, but to this day I'll look back on some of those one-liners that she gave me when... Now, granted the context was very different for why I needed those one-liners, but as my life progresses and evolves and those one-liners still hold very true, just the context and meaning behind them and what my life is now is very different, but I still need them. Mm-hmm. So I, I think that's just kind of a testament to it doesn't really matter what the situation is, it could be anything. Mm-hmm. Like my situation, you know, everyone goes through a breakup, but there are more extreme examples that it doesn't really matter. Yeah. Like, it's- all it matters is, like, bringing you, equalizing you to the center, and Cynthia can s- find you where you are and bring you back, and I just- Mm-hmm that, I will die on that hill. So. Mm-hmm. I love that. Well, this, that was a perfect segue into what else I wanted to say, is that, okay, we started out on the breakup and we worked on that for quite a while, you know, different... You know, you were dating again, and what that was like, and then, you know... And then once you found a person, then really vetting that and trying to decide, you know, well, this is happening, what does that mean? This is... I think this. What does that mean? So, like, helping you deal with the new relationship and how you felt about that, and there was a lot of ups and downs with that. And we can pick any of these things as I go through this stuff, but then you also got really sick. I think your fever was 105, 106. And you're an engineer major. You have a lot of hard classes that you're taking, and all of a sudden you can't do any of your work because you're so sick, and then you're getting behind. And then... And I remember all the talks about how to, what to do about that and how to get caught back up and how not to get so overwhelmed that you just, you know, give up on everything. I also remember, you know, roommate issues. Not really serious ones, but kind of like, "What do I do about this problem? This person did this, this person said this. How do I, um, go about that?" And then there was like, "Well, I think I should work. What if I worked?" Or, "I think I need more leadership roles. What if I did that?" Like, there was just, like, so many things that we worked through. Um, I'm trying to think of, like, um... Well, even when you were in your internships. You know, like, then you're moving to a new town, and then there's traffic issues, and you're living by yourself in this, you know, kind of, um, sterile kind of apartment because you're not really making it your home because you're only there for a couple months. And then you're gonna go somewhere else. And, like, there's so many things. So I don't know if you want to talk about any of those certain pieces, but we, we worked on a lot of stuff. Yeah, I mean, like, like I was saying before, like everything that you say, no matter how, how long ago or, you know, r- like recent it is, like it's just relevant. And y- again, like, you know, and no matter what stage of life you're in, it's like Cynthia can meet you there and f- like kinda find your way back. And one of the more recent ones was, um, I mean, I'm s- at my new job now. I've, I've, I've worked a couple different, uh, programs and positions now, but one of my first ones, um, I've I consider myself pretty agreeable, pr- like I've never really had tried and true problems with people, I think really ever, um, that I can at least recall. Um, but long story short This was my first time. Um, the, the group of girls at work just did not like me no matter what I did, and everybody kind of runs into that at some point I think or hope. And I just did not know what to do with that because I've just never run into that, and I don't even really think in high school I ran into that as badly as I did very recently. And I kind of had to channel Cynthia as like, okay, what do you tell your high schoolers when they're getting picked on? And now translate it to a almost 24-year-old woman. Like, it like- Yeah ... it's those little silly facts of life, they, they're still... They, they, they travel with you. They just evolve. And long story short, I mean, are those problems still happening at work? Yes. Do I... Do they control my entire life and do they change my mood depending on what they say or do? Not anymore. Mm-hmm. Um, because I'm able to talk to Cynthia, and she can bring me back to ground zero and say, "Okay. So what? So what they don't like you?" I'm like, "You're so right. I don't care. Do I wanna be friends with them? Not anymore." So- Mm-hmm ... it just, again, it's all about perspective I think is kind of the, the point. And then once you have that grounded perspective, you can truly just grow into what life leads you and where you're meant to grow into. So- Yes ... yeah. So thank you. I love this so much. And I think that these are not things... And this, this is one thing that I, you know, wanna change about the world, is that we're not teaching young people these skills on how to do these things. We're just, you know, some of us h- are, as parents, kind of role model it and talk about it, and I know your parents definitely gave you a great base. Um, but some parents don't. And we're certainly not teaching it in school, and our parents weren't taught it, so it's kind of hard for them to teach these things 'cause they don't really know exactly how this all works. And, um, most of us, like my age, learned it by many trials and errors and many sufferings before we kind of figured it out. And I just want young people to have this stuff right away. Here's, here's all the secrets to the universe kind of. You can unlock them for yourself. Everyone has different, uh, things that they need to learn or do in the world. Not everyone has the same thing. But- Um, once you have these skills and these, these ways of reframing and thinking about things differently, they do work for many different situations. It's not just it only worked because when I was sick at school, or it only worked when I was having a breakup, or it only worked when there were mean girls at my work. Like, the same concepts can be used in every single thing that happens. And you know, we work together a lot because we enjoy it. Um, you know, sometimes people can learn this stuff in, you know, three months and, you know, learn it enough that they can just kind of keep reusing that. And maybe they come back every once in a while for, like, a tune-up or, like, "Okay, can you remind me about that again?" Um, and some people I just work with for years. So I mean, I love all of that, and none of it means anything. It doesn't mean, oh, this person still doesn't know what to do or whatever. Like, I still have mentors and people in my life that I go, "Oh, my gosh. All this stuff happened. What do you... You know, what do you got? How can you help me figure this out?" We all need that other human to help reflect back to us so that we can learn about ourselves, and we can't do that through AI, and we can't... I mean, we can learn some things that way. We can read some books. We can listen to podcasts. We can journal. And all of those things are gonna help us to learn more about ourselves, but there's just, there's an added layer that happens when you are talking to a real human who reflects back to you, and I just can't let people know how important that is I could not agree more. I just... Like, the, the human aspect that Cynthia brings, again, even through a screen, and that was honestly one of the points I even told my parents, was like, "This is a screen." You know? Mm-hmm. Like, I shut it- Mm-hmm ... she's gone, you know? Mm-hmm. Um, and it's... I didn't, I had no perspective for how... Like, I'm, I'm very much anti... I feel like me and my grandfather agree in a lot of different ways on how, you know, AI and technology is really ruining a lot of people. Um, and I do think that Cynthia cir- honestly circumvents that whole, oh, like, yes, she's on a screen. But literally aside from, like, the screen that she is on, she is about as human as it gets, and she's not a- afraid to meet you at your most raw form of humanity. Um, I mean, 'cause she'll even share, like, when w- when I was kind of going through my own thing, like, she would share experience of her- experiences of her own that kind of just kind of sat there with me, and, like, we talked it through. She's like, "Well, here's how I went through it." And, you know, humanity's misery loves company sometimes and- Mm-hmm just knowing that comfort that she is human, there with you, and none of us are perfect, and figuring it all out together is such an amazing, such an amazing experience that not very many people are willing to be that vulnerable with you when their job is kind of the inverse, is you're supposed to be vulnerable with them, right? So she- Mm ... it's, it's kind of a two-way street. It doesn't even feel like, you know, she's doing her job and you're the, you know, paying her to do her job. It's, it's just kind of like a conversation and a friendship that you can't really get from, you know, just re- re- reading a website forum or, you know, talking to ChatGPT, which I know people do. Um, you know, some- sometimes it helps, but if it does help, it's not the same, right? It's not, no. It's just scientifically, you know, not to- Mm ... have my STEM major come out, but it just... It's, it's not the same. Like, we, we are- It's like a generic, uh, form of getting help, I think. Yes. Like, it's, it's definitely can, like, you have a brand- It's only gonna tell everyone kind of the same thing and- Right you need something specific for you based on what you're, what... Just everything about you. Knowing your personality, knowing things that are, you know, how you've ha- handled things in the past and how can we keep doing that. And only a human would be able to do that. Exactly. So- Yeah ... well, yeah, you are one of very few people that I can, like, speak to through a screen and I feel like I know you. You're like the only person on the planet that I can like- Thank you ... I feel that way with, truly. So. That's beautiful. Good. I love that. Well, I think that this, um, you know, I'm, I'm just so glad that you were willing to be vulnerable today to talk about things that, um, you've been through, and that I just think that people need to see what is it like for that college student that visits with me, because I have a lot of high school students, um, that are clients that I, that I work with. But, and I've had, you know, my share of college clients, but I just haven't really focused on that before. So I wanted to make sure that people could see what is it like for that young adult adult, uh, and now you're in your adulting life and we're still working on things, um, that- It, just why it's helpful, um, when we maybe don't think that we need that, whether we're the young person who thinks we don't need it or parents that are like, "Oh, they're fine. They'll figure it out." Um, there's just things that they can talk about with other people that would be hard to talk to a parent about, so. Absolutely. There, yeah, there's just some things that, you know, I would've never known there was an issue. I would've never known that all my worth came from the opinion of this one high school boyfriend. But until something went left, I realized that all that confidence might have been a little bit more of an illusion. Um, and I would never have probably figured that out. But I mean, considering that timeline, maybe if had I never met Cynthia, I'd still be figuring out that those exact words. But thankfully- Yeah that track is accelerated, and we only have- Yes ... one life to live, so thank you, Cynthia, for letting me enjoy the most of it that I can. Well- So ... well, you are welcome. And yeah, you're now just 24, is that right? Close. Or gonna be. You'll be 24? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, 23. And you already know a lot of things that I did not know till I was about 50. So you know, you have, that gives you kind of a leg up on, you know, making better decisions in your life and being more confident in what you're doing now, and not second-guessing it so much, because that wastes a lot of time. I mean, there's a lot of emotional energy that goes into the what if this, what if that, oh my gosh, this, that, whatever, and you, even though we're always gonna have a little bit of that in our lives, you, you are easier, it's easier for you to get on the right track because you know how to change those things around instead of just spinning. Yes. Yeah, getting out of those spinning cycles was honestly like the biggest gift you could have given me, because they're- they're infinite, and they waste so much energy, and just time just disappears when you're in those cycles, and none of that time was enjoyable, and it's- Yeah ... it's all... Honestly, once you realize that you have control of that, and how to, you know, harness that control, oh, gosh- Yes you're like on top of the world. Mm-hmm. But until... And sometimes I need a refresher, 'cause, you know, the r- I need to control something different about how I feel about something, and I don't know how- Yeah ... to do it this way. I know this one, but how about this one? And it's like- Mm-hmm ... again, coming back to Cynthia and we're square one. It's, it's amazing. Yeah. I love it. It's amazing. Oh, thank you, Christina. I love you so much, and I'm so excited that we're still talking to each other, and I think that, you know, we have a friendship that even if we weren't client-coach or whatever, we're still, we're still solid. Oh, without a doubt. Without a doubt. I love it. Very much. Okay. Well, thank you so much, and we will talk soon. We will talk really soon. I can't wait.