Have you ever had one of those moments where you start thinking, "Wait, nobody is coming to tell me what to do next?" As an adult, uh, as a older adult, I still think that sometimes when there's really big decisions to make. I really just want someone else to decide it for me because I don't want to be responsible for what I have to decide.
I want you to imagine what it was like when you first went to college, or if you didn't go to college, just that first time outside of high school, outside of your parents' home where you're going to live on your own, and just think about what that was like. And just imagine as a college, first time college student in their dorm, it's the first time they wake up and in their dorm room and it's like no one woke them [00:01:00] up, no one's knocking at their door telling them to get up.
There's no bells at school telling them when to go to the next class. There's no coach texting them saying, "Hey, practice is at this time." There's no teacher saying, "Hey, don't forget to turn in this paper There's no counselor down the hall saying, "Hey, come on in and make sure you're, you have all these forms filled out."
It's just silence, and there they are trying to... I, I'm sure at first it feels like freedom. It feels like, "Oh my gosh, I don't have anyone telling me what to do. I can do whatever I want. I don't have to eat certain things or at certain times. I can stay up all night, or I can stay up late playing video games.
I can run around with my friends. I don't have a curfew. I can just pick dirty clothes up off the floor, all wrinkled [00:02:00] up, all dirty, wear them. No one's gonna tell me not to do that. I can pretty much do whatever." And I'm thinking, "Oh, I'll just do the laundry tomorrow. I'll do that paper after I get done with this video game.
I'll go to the tutoring center if I'm doing poorly
But tomorrow becomes next week, and our laundry's really starting to pile up. Now we don't even have any clean clothes left The paper's due tomorrow, and we don't know how to log into that particular class or portal. There's a lot of things that we needed to have prepared for that paper, and we don't have it ready, and now we just have a few hours instead of weeks to do it, [00:03:00] and all of that becomes very overwhelming.
Oh, and our friend's at the door knocking saying, "Hey, let's go out. Let's go get food. Let's do whatever." Or maybe your roommate is really annoying, and they're inviting a bunch of people in, and it's really loud, and you need to concentrate, but you can't because there's all this stuff going on. You're also tired because you haven't been sleeping because you're staying up too late and you're
If you are going to class, you have to get up, and you're too tired, or maybe you're sleeping too much. Your stomach hurts because you're just eating a bunch of junk food or not eating enough. You're completely overwhelmed. And when we're overwhelmed, we- the- that part of our brain that makes all the decisions and plans and decides doesn't work.
And so now we're like, "Wait a minute. I don't know what's going on," and I can't tell my parents I don't know what's going on because then I'm gonna ... If they [00:04:00] did tell me that this was gonna happen, I don't wanna prove them right, or I just don't want them to know about it because I'm so embarrassed or ashamed or sad that I, I can't tell them that I can't figure this out because that's, um
No young person, even now, I don't wanna tell my mom that I don't know what's going on. So
The reason that most freshmen or first time out of the house young people mess this up is because the freedom is actually a trap. And it feels amazing where all of us when we like think about that I don't have anything telling me what to do, I don't have to do anything that I don't wanna do, [00:05:00] even now that feels really
I mean, like when I think about it, that feels really good. But that freedom, that feeling of, "Oh, I don't have to do anything. No one's telling me what to do," when you stay in that and you literally don't do anything or don't make any decisions, after a while it really starts to feel overwhelming and scary and unsafe.
And so
I think one of the most important adulting skills that we need to learn is that freedom is actually having some sort of structure or routine or schedule to our lives. And I know that no young person wants to hear that, and actually, I have a lot of friends that don't like that idea or don't believe in that.
But I promise you that structure, in some ways, and we can structure things based on [00:06:00] your own personality traits, but structure and routine actually helps us to feel safe. Just like when we're working with, when our toddlers, when we're, we're raising kids, they talk a lot about how routine and structure helps our, the babies and the toddlers to feel safe.
That is actually something that always makes us feel safe, is knowing what's next. What's gonna, what are, what's the time schedule? What do I need to be doing? Oh, today I do this. Oh, you know, at this time I go do this thing. And so a lot of mental health problems that happen in those, in that first year of college has to do with not having a structure or a routine that they're used to, and so that safety is gone, or that feeling of safety is gone.
And so more, there's more likely for mental health issues [00:07:00] to crop up because now we're dysregulated, and now we are not, we're not sure about our environment. We're not sure about what's going on
If we had a great high school student and they just flew through high school so easily, being a great high school student actually just requires you to follow a track or a schedule or a routine that other people put together, your teachers, your parents, the school system, your community, whatever. But being a su- successful independent adult means following a routine that you put together.
And if our young people don't know how to put together a routine and a [00:08:00] structure, how to manage their time, how to have executive functioning skills because someone else has been doing them for them, then that is where a lot of kids fall down in that first year of college because they don't have those skills in place.
And so we need to be helping them while they're at home to create these skills
When you think about high school, high school has 35 hours a week of structured school time. But once you go to college, you only have 12 to 15 hours of structured school time, and now our young people have 150 hours of free time. 150 hours to waste. And when we have a lot of hours to waste, we're gonna waste that amount of hours.
We need to be able to come up with some sort of plan for ourselves on how we're going to structure and use that 150 hours. And I'll tell you, [00:09:00] I love free time. Free time is my favorite time of the day, and I am like... I can get angry if my free time is messed up. But I create the free time by planning the free time in my day so that I get work done, I do the things that I need to do, and when it's free time, it's truly free time.
Think about a time when you did the free time before you did the work. It's really hard to stop your free time to go do the work. Or while you're having that free time and you're avoiding the work, your free time has a little bit of a shame or an uncomfortableness to it because the whole time in the back of your mind, even if you're trying to forget about it, you're thinking, "Oh, I really need to do this other thing.
I really need to get up and mow the lawn," or, "I really need to do my taxes," [00:10:00] or, "I really need to go exercise, but I'm putting it off 'cause I'm doing this other thing." And so it always just feels a little bit uncomfortable. But if you do the thing that you're avoiding and, and just go get it done, then the free time you have is really relaxing and free because you're not thinking about this other stuff that you need to do or have this other stuff, um, shaming you or making you feel bad while you're having the free time
A lot of times we think that if we're motivated, if we stay motivated, then we'll be able to get things done. So I just need to keep motivated. Well, motivation is actually an emotion, and our, our motivation goes up and down based on how tired we are, how physically we feel in our bodies, if our friends are going out or not, if we feel overwhelmed.
If we are [00:11:00] tired, overwhelmed, sick, have lots of other fun activities to do instead, then our motivation to do the things we don't wanna do goes to zero. And so we can't rely on our motivation to make us want to do the things that we don't wanna do. The thing that helps us to stay motivated to do those things is a structure or a routine.
And I learned this in my teaching career. So, um, I- that's all I did my whole adult, uh, career for 31 years, was be an educator. And in the summer, I had time off from being an educator. And when I first ... Those first few years when I had the summer off, I l- I mean, I was so excited about it, and I enjoyed it, but it was a lot of wasted time, and I wasn't getting things done that I really needed to get done.
And so I realized then that I need to have [00:12:00] a structure to my summer. And so then I would just designate certain days for certain things, or certain times of the day as the thing that I was gonna do during that time of day, and I got so much more done. And I really believe that all people need some sort of structure to their day in order to get things done.
And then we have to be able to follow that. As an independent, emotionally healthy adult, we need to be able to say, "Okay, well, that sounds fun, and I want to do this other thing, but I'm gonna do the thing that's uncomfortable or the thing that I don't wanna do because it says at this time I do this thing, and then I do the things that I want to do or that are fun."
And we need to be able to make ourselves do that. Um, I would tell high school students we need to be able to parent ourselves. We need to think about, you know, what would your parents say to you during this time about what you need to get done? And, you know, make [00:13:00] yourself do those things at those times.
So because our nervous system actually needs this repetition, this predictability, this routine, that actually means that routines equal freedom. We think that freedom means we just do whatever we want whenever we want to, and I thought that for a very long time. But freedom is actually I know what I'm doing at different times of the day or different times of the week.
I'm getting the things done I need to get done, and then I am truly free. Then I can do what I wanna do because I have these pockets of free time to do what I wanna do, and I feel good about it, and I'm not feeling guilty because I'm not getting things done that I should be doing. And I know that your young person is gonna think this sounds like restriction.
Maybe you think it sounds like restriction. Um, but I want you to really think about that having a routine is not actually ... You get to create the routine, so you decide what it [00:14:00] looks like, but you still have to put in those things that are important to get done, whether you're a student and it's school-related stuff or it's, you know, you're older and it's work-related stuff or exercise or, you know, getting your bills done or doing your taxes or whatever And so a routine kind of looks like, or it can look like: I do laundries, I do laundry on Sundays before I eat my dinner.
I check my student email every day at 10:00 AM, uh, or whatever time was gonna work in your schedule. I look at my assignments every Friday so that I know what to expect the next week. I go to tutoring, or I know where the tutoring center is ahead of time, and I go there before I am failing the class. I text my parent for good news [00:15:00] as well as bad news so that I am staying proactive about the things that are happening in my life.
I know where the counseling services center is before I have a crisis. I know how to make one or two meals very easily with a minimal amount of ingredients, and I can do it with something that's refrigerated or something in the microwave if I have those things in my dorm. If I don't even have those things in my dorm, I need to know what are healthy snacks and food that I can, can eat on a moment's notice or have available to me These are things that are just self-help.
They are time management. They are executive functioning skills. And this tool, when your child knows these things about themselves, th- they can say to themselves, "I know how to take care of myself. I know [00:16:00] how to be independent. I know how to problem solve, uh, before I go to the next person that, um, can help me," or, "I know where to go to get the help that I need for whatever is happening."
And I know as a parent, and I have been guilty of this so often, when our kids are at home and they're not doing the things that we think they should be doing, then we just take up the slack. We just do, "Okay, well, you're not gonna get that form done. I'll just fill it out for you." Or, "You're, you're just leaving your laundry lay here too long.
I'm just gonna go throw a load in so I don't have to look at it." Um, or, "I'm just gonna close the door to this big mess because I don't want to talk to you about cleaning it up." But that is not teaching your teen anything. Your teen is not learning the skills that they need to, um, get up when they're supposed to get up or do the things even when they're boring and annoying.
And so I have [00:17:00] created this resource that you'll find in the show notes that is ca- It's just an adulting 101 worksheet, and it's going to have three tasks that you're gonna do this summer while you're still at home, where we're gonna help our child to have, to create some sort of schedule with their laundry, and they're going to do it themselves so they can figure out how that works, and they need to stick to the routine that they come up with.
They're gonna learn how to cook one meal, like be able to shop for that meal and cook that meal. Very limited either, like I said, with refrigeration and microwave, which a lot of kids would have in their dorm. Um, or, you know, just depending on whatever their living situation is, what they have available to them, how are they going to make that meal or two, even two meals, and what are also healthy snacks to have on hand, not just a bunch of junk food And then also, how can they track their personal budget over the summer?
How are they going [00:18:00] to take a certain amount of money and make it last till a certain amount of time? Which is what they're gonna have to do while they're at school, and how are they gonna do that? And it's gonna be much better for them to fail at this while they're at home with you, while you can be there to help them pick up the pieces or problem solve, or you could role model some things for them, than it is to just think, "Oh, well, they'll figure it out," and then they go to school and all these things become overwhelming.
We want them to stay in school. We want them to feel confident and good about their time there, and we can help them start building those skills now this summer, even if you haven't done it at all before. Hopefully you've been doing it through high school, but even if you haven't, those are things that they can do.
And then the other part of the worksheet is while they're at home with us right now, they're gonna look up the map of the campus that they're going to. Where is the counseling center? Where is the tutoring center? Where are the advisors? What [00:19:00] building are my classes in? What building are my professors in?
What are the office hours of my professors? What are the office hours of the counseling center? What are the office hours of the tutoring center? How do I get a tutor? You know, what's the process? Who, what are the emails I need? What are the phone numbers? And all that stuff's just gonna be written down and be in one place where they can access that when they are dysregulated.
Especially like the counseling center, if you're in a crisis, you can't then wonder, "Oh, well, where is it? And what time is it open, and how do I go about getting an appointment?" When you're in crisis, your brain isn't thinking about those things anymore, so you need to have that stuff ready ahead of time so if, and maybe when, those things happen, you already have it right there.
You can just... It's a pug- plug and play. You can just look at it, call the number, or go to the thing, uh, know, and know exactly what's [00:20:00] going on so you don't have to problem solve it. It's like having that fire escape plan before the fire, because y- when the fire happens, it's panic, and people aren't thinking about anything.
So what, what is the plan ahead of time so that we know where all those things are? And I hope that your child doesn't need any of those services, um, but if they do, they're gonna know about it ahead of time. And you can help them if they are having a hard time navigating the website where all this information is.
They need to know how to do that too, so don't do it for them. But you know, if they don't know where they should click or what they should put in the search bar, give them some ideas if they really don't know, but they need to be doing most of that work on their own.
Now, if you have been talking to your young person about this stuff and you're getting slammed doors, and rolled eyes, and angry responses, then maybe you need another trusted adult that you can help, uh, can help your [00:21:00] family adjust to this time, and I am one of those people. I help young people that are going into college.
I'll help them with time management, help them with executive functioning s- skills. And during the summer I get to know them. I get to know their strengths, their values, their skills, and their interests, and then I use those things to help them build a plan that is specific for them, so that they can manage these different things that could and will, some of these things will happen when they go to school.
And they'll know what the process is. They'll know... They'll have confidence in their own decision-making. And not that they won't still call you and ask you, um, what to do, but I am an adult that they would, they will probably talk to more or listen to more about these things, just because it's hard for kids to talk to their parents about some of this stuff.
They don't wanna be embarrassed. They don't wanna say that you're right. They don't want [00:22:00] to... I- if they're wondering if there's something wrong with them, if they're cut out for it, they don't wanna tell you that sometimes, because they feel ashamed of that, or they feel like, um, they just don't want you to be disappointed in them.
And so I'm a person they can talk to that doesn't have that same... I'm a neutral person in their world, and they don't feel as, um, averse to that
And you don't wanna wait till you get that first panicked call to get this help or to have your child have some of these skills in, in hand. So when you go to the show notes, get that Adulting 101 worksheet, go through that stuff, talk to them about it. But if they're really fighting you about it and you're not really sure how you're gonna get them to do these things before move-in day, then there's also a, a place for you to schedule a call with me, and let's talk about it, and let's figure [00:23:00] out what can we do to help you in your specific situation, and I'd be glad to talk to your young person as well.
So just remember that freedom without a routine is actually a trap. So let's help them build this map and these skills before they go out into that freedom so that they don't get trapped. I'll talk to you soon.
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