Graduation Opens the Cage… Now What?

Graduation can look like freedom, excitement, and a fresh start — but for many teens and young adults, it can also feel confusing, lonely, and overwhelming once the structure of high school disappears. 

In this episode, I use the analogy of high school as a “zoo” and adulthood as “the wild” to explain why the transition after graduation can feel so hard, even for teens who were excited to leave. For 12 years, students have bells, schedules, teachers, parents, and routines helping guide their days. Then suddenly, after graduation, they are expected to make decisions, manage time, handle loneliness, advocate for themselves, and figure out what to do when things feel harder than expected. 

I also talk about why we need to begin building independence, problem-solving, and emotional resilience long before senior year. This episode is a reminder that feeling homesick, unsure, or overwhelmed during the launch into adulthood does not mean your teen is failing. It means they are learning how to live in the wild. 

You can also grab my “Am I Normal?” Reality Check Guide and learn more about my Resilient Launch support for high school seniors, college freshmen, and young adults navigating this big transition. 

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Email me:  ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com
Text me:  785-380-2064
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Transcript

Okay, let's talk about why the transition into adulthood from high school is so hard. I had someone ask me this one time, and I thought about it years ago, and I did an episode way back, I don't even remember which number, like in the early teens, like at the very beginning of my podcast, where I think it's called Why Is Adulting So Hard?

But I really sat down and thought about all the transitions that we go through in life, and I think the reason that the high school to adulthood is the hardest is because we have the most to learn during that time. So I heard this great analogy this week, and I wanted to talk to you about it because I'm using it for my newsletter and everything.

It's just like it was so fun to put together thinking about this. But they likened leaving, like being in high school to being in a zoo. So in a zoo, the [00:01:00] animals are all in cages by each other and, or in, or in cages with uh, animals. And so it's like, you know, you're in classes with age mates, people who are the same age as you.

Usually not in the sta- same stage as you, but they're the same chronological age as you. And for 12 years, your life is structured. You have a certain time to eat. You have a certain time to learn things. There's bells that ring. There's the teacher saying, "Okay, now we're gonna do this thing, and we're gonna do that thing."

And it's just like in the zoo, the animals are fed at certain times. They have certain exercise times. They have certain schedules for all the different things, and they're just sort of told what to do, and they only have this contained area where they're at, and somebody's always kind of structuring and just like our lives.

Like someone, when [00:02:00] we, from K-12, someone is structuring our lives, telling us what to do, how to do it, when to do it And there's a comfort to that, even though, and I remember this so well when I was in high school, I can't wait to get out of here. I wanna get out of this town. I wanna get away from these people.

I wanna get away from my parents. And working in a high school for most of my life, and I... Most kids would say, "I don't really wanna be here. I'm just here because I have to be here." And they were having fun and doing stuff, and the animals have fun in the zoo, and, people come to see them, and it's all great.

But they probably all secretly wish they were in the wild. And the kids in school all secretly wish that they were out of there. And graduation is like the zookeeper going around and just opening every cage, and all the animals just run. And they just go out of different exits. Maybe they even break down [00:03:00] some of the, the fences.

They're just going crazy. Um, and they just go in all different kinds of directions, and they're going towards the wild. And they're, trying to find... And it's just like the kids. They go out of high school, and they go all over the country, or some of them stay close. You know, some of them might see something right away that they're like, "Oh, I wanna stop and see this."

But you can just imagine the animals scattering and doing all sorts of different things. And then after a while, it's like, "Oh, wait a minute. I don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have people telling me what to do anymore. I don't have the predictability of this is when you eat, and this is when you do this thing, and this is when this other thing happens."

And then they get confused. The animals would get confused. Some of the animals would probably come back to the zoo because they were like, "Wait a minute, I wanna eat, and I don't know how to find food out here in this craziness, so I'm gonna go back." And and [00:04:00] I think sometimes kids go away to college because they're like, "Oh my gosh, this is gonna be so fun."

And I talked about this in last week's episode with my own experience, where there was no indication at all that I wasn't going to be fine in college, because I couldn't wait to go. I had no doubts about it whatsoever. I had no no reservations. I was like, "Get me out of here." Nobody could have stopped me from going, because I was determined to get out of my town and away from my parents and all of that.

Because I didn't think about what are the realities of being away from all the comforts and structure that I knew. I thought, "Hey, this is freedom. I don't care about all these structures and all these things that I know about." And probably almost every kid is thinking the same thing, like, I don't...

I'm gonna be fine. I am so excited about doing whatever I want." But they don't know what it's like. They don't know [00:05:00] what they don't know. They don't know what it's gonna be like to not have those structures in place. And so I just keep thinking about that so much as I'm building this program to try to help kids with that weird transition because I wanna help them think about the things that they're not thinking about, so that when those realities happen, because they are going to get lonely, they are gonna be homesick, they are gonna wonder if they're cut out for college, they are gonna wonder, what in the world is happening.

And when those, those doubts and fears come up, and they look around and they, and none of their peers are talking about it because they're also, like, freaked out, but they don't wanna tell anyone that they're freaked out, they think they're the only ones. And they think that, "Oh my gosh, I am totally screwing this up, and everyone else knows what they're doing, and [00:06:00] I better get out of here," or, "I better go home," or, "I'm too scared to make any decisions.

I don't know what I'm doing." Um, and I wanna help people with that because I think so many kids would stay in school if they realized that it was normal to feel disoriented and scared and sad, and to be able to work through that with somebody that's not their parents. Because they're probably... A lot of kids don't wanna disappoint their parents, and if they're starting to doubt and wonder, they don't wanna tell their parents that.

They know their parents spent a lot of money to get them to go to school or they you know, have these high hopes for them. And it doesn't mean that those things won't happen, but they don't know that at the time. And so I just think preparation in that area is so important.

I think in that episode, I likened the departure from high school to adult [00:07:00] life to the hero's journey. Uh, Joseph Campbell wrote about the hero's journey, and it actually is used in all storylines because great stories have at least three parts. There's-- I think there's actually seven parts to the hero's journey, but the main parts are the departure, the initiation, and the return.

And so high school is the departure track. That's where you're, in your village, you know, like or, or I always think about village because whenever I think about the hero's journey, I think about like someone who's, Like some of those stories that someone's in this village and things are, you know, the, they're growing up and they're learning all the traits of their culture or their town or whatever.

And then something happens where they, they need to be the hero and go out into the unknown and battle something, or have some kind of challenges, or go out and find the thing [00:08:00] that's gonna save the village. And then, you know, they go out and have all the adventures and the challenges and the battles, and then they come back with the prize.

And when Kit... So the departure is that part where you're, you're learning your culture and you're learning everything about being an adult or being a, a human really. And so that's that high school time where you're really, shoring up all of your adult skills. And then the initiation is the leaving, the graduating from high school and going out to do that challenge, that battle, that go into the wild, go into the unknown.

And then, you know, you're gonna face those demons, those monsters, those adversaries, you know, whatever it is, all the challenges that you do in your world, whether it is college or work or whatever you're doing out there. And then you come back to your home as a, a new, [00:09:00] revised human, somebody who's learned more, and you, you come back having been the victor of everything that you've been through with the challenges.

And, all... We have a lot of transitions in our lives, but in all the rest of the transitions that we have after high school, we've been on our own in some ways and learned how to problem solve and learned how to deal with all these uncomforts and these things that happen in those battles and challenges that we don't initially have because our family has always cushioned us and helped us, or the school or the community or the whatever.

You know, we have this safe place where we grew up, and that cushions us from a lot of that decision-making and problem-solving because someone else is helping us. But then when we leave our [00:10:00] home and go out into the adult world, we have... it's on us. And then the other transitions that come later, like marriage and having children and being a grandparent and retiring and losing people are all the things that, go on, other transitions you have in your life, you've already done some decision-making and problem-solving on your own, and so you have a, at least a base to come off of.

And really, what I think is the best way to do this is at the beginning of high school... Well, really all of our kids' lives, we need to be teaching them some independence throughout each stage of their life. Because even with my preschool toddler grandchildren, there's still ways that you can teach some independent thinking, some problem-solving even at that age.

But if you're always fostering that and role-playing that and, [00:11:00] showing your kids how to do those things. Especially in high school, we have to allow our kids to start making decisions on their own, having them face consequences to their actions that, you know, we don't necessarily want them to. But I remember my son just hated high school so much, and he failed classes, and I hated it, and I didn't want him to, and I did a lot of, like, forcing him to do a lot of things because I was just so terrified th-that what would happen if he failed, and what did that mean about me, and what did that mean for him?

And I kept thinking, "Well, he, you know, later in his life, he's gonna be sad that he failed this, so I'm gonna do all these things to help him not fail." And after a while, I just thought, "He's gonna have to figure out what happens when you fail." And yes, it's painful, and yes, I don't want to watch him go through [00:12:00] that, but some of those things we have to let them face the consequences.

Or if they sleep late and they go to school late, I remember, uh, my stepson calling one time, um, saying, "Oh, I slept late. Can you call the school and say I had a flat tire?" Or I don't know. Like, there was some kind of lie that we were gonna tell about why he was late, and my husband and I both were like, "No.

You-- Whatever happens, if you-- if this is, like, the third tardy and you have a detention or whatever, then that's what you do. You have the detention. You follow whatever the procedure is. You need to have the consequence of making a bad decision or not waking up when you were supposed to." And I think we just need, as-- through high school, we need to really be harder about giving those challenges, allowing them to fail, al-allow them to fall down.

And we can be there to say, [00:13:00] you know, "Would you like some help? Do you need me to help you problem solve through this?" You know, we're, we're not totally hands-off. I mean, I probably will never be totally hands-off for my kids. I want to be there to help them if they need it. But I also want to be quiet and let them think through and decide things also, because that's the only way they're gonna be a successful adult.

And I think I've talked about this so much because I've seen so many kids that have been handicapped by their parents for many different reasons, not just the college, but financially or, just emotionally or anything because they, their parents have just done everything s- for so long, for so... That they just don't know how to do anything.

And, we just have to be careful about that. So I want to talk to you about... Well, for one, I made a Am I Normal? reality check [00:14:00] guide, and I I put it in the show notes so you can get that Am I Normal? reality check guide if, if you wanna... I- if you're a young person and you wanna check to see, how I'm feeling, is that normal?

But also, it- there's some parent guidance on there too about how to help your child through this transition into adulthood, 'cause it is difficult. And it's difficult for you because you just wanna make everything beautiful, and I totally get it. But it's difficult for them too because they don't... Even though we may have been teaching some of these adulting skills, it's very scary when you go out there.

And like I said, I wasn't scared at all about it until I actually got there. And so some of this is more of maybe proactive, let's talk about what the realities might be because you're not thinking about them because you're just too excited about going, which is amazing. The excitement gets us through a lot of things.

But we also need to have some realities [00:15:00] about there are gonna be some things happen that are gonna throw you, and what are you gonna do when that happens? And if you just wanna talk to me about what can we do here, let's just get on a call. Um, my summer program is where just for four weeks or four sessions, whatever sounds better I do the YouMap assessment with my clients.

I do it with all my clients, whether they're my anxiety clients or they're gonna be in this Resilient Launch program. And the YouMap tells them all the things that are right with them. So in the summer, I'm, for those four sessions, I'm just gonna talk to them about all the things that they're going to school with, all the skills and the strengths and the their values and all the things that are gonna help shore up their confidence.

And they're probably already confident right now anyway and excited, and I'm gonna show 'em all the things that they don't know that are [00:16:00] good about them. And then they're gonna move in, and they're gonna meet the people. They're gonna go join all the activities and go to all the orientation fun events and all the social gatherings and stuff, even go to a few classes and get acclimated into their new setting.

And then in September and October, I'm gonna jump back in with them and start talking to them about, "Okay, let's talk about what's... how's it going with your roommates? How is it going, uh, with keeping up with the schedule? How are you doing in your classes? Do you need to talk to your professors about anything?

You know, are you missing things from home? Are you going home a lot? Are you not going home at all? Are you..." Like, all the things that come up that they don't think about before, and help them problem solve through those things with someone who is is neutral, somebody who doesn't, who [00:17:00] isn't totally invested, like parents, on what their decisions are, and just help them come to the right decisions for themselves.

And last year when I was working with a girl she decided, "I really wanna go home at break, and I wanna stay home." And we talked through it, and for her, that was the best decision That isn't always the best decision, but I want them to be able to work it out on their own so that they really come to that decision for the right reasons and not for the wrong reasons.

And then I think that we should just hold a few sessions back and wait till after the Christmas break, 'cause some people's-- or the holiday break, some holiday breaks or winter breaks are six weeks long, and that's a long time to go back home, get comfortable again feel, like romanticize what it was [00:18:00] like to not have school and, you know, not have any responsibilities, and then we're gonna jump back into school, and then it's like, "Ugh."

And maybe their classes are harder in the second semester, or maybe, um, there's been a roommate shift, or maybe... You know, who knows what all goes on, and they have a whole new set of problems. And so then there's a few sessions there where I can help continue to help them feel confident as they go in to the continuing years.

And maybe for some kids, this is kind of an ongoing checkup time. You know, every year they need a little bit of this. Maybe some kids don't need it again. Who knows? This program, because it's one-to-one, is very tailored towards your particular child and whatever their things are, 'cause every kid is completely different.

I mean, even if... Even different kids in your family are completely different. I had a mom tell me that her first three kids who went to college had [00:19:00] no problems whatsoever. And so when the fourth one went, she didn't even think about it, 'cause she was like, "Whatever, this is just what goes on." And the fourth one had a lot of problems.

And so we don't always know based on even our own children's experience, what the next child's experience is gonna be. So let's talk. So go to the show notes, and you can either get, or do both, but you can get the Am I Normal? reality check guide or book a call with me, and let's just talk about where are we at with things, are you interested in having that kind of mentor that can talk to you this summer but also during the school year.

So I hope to talk to you soon.