[00:00:00] This episode brought so many memories to mind. I became a mom when I was 18 years old. I started dat- dating a guy who was 10 years older than me, and he had a two-year-old son who lived with him full-time. I didn't think at all about parenting skills, emotional regulation, really anything, not to mention the trauma of a two-year-old that had been essentially abandoned by his mother, and it sounds like it wasn't so great when she was there either.
I came for the romantic relationship with his dad, and his son was just an after- afterthought to me. I feel so bad about that now when I think about it, but I try to give myself grace and think about I was 18 years old. I hadn't really babysat much, maybe one time, and I was still in my party and do what I wanna do phase.
[00:01:00] So needless to say, I wasn't the greatest parenting material, and I cared about him so much and loved him very early on because he was so cute, and I just enjoy... I just adored him. And I did take care of him as, in a babysitter-like way when my boyfriend went to work, and, uh, there was a couple of months where I didn't go to school, um, because I was...
had already graduated, and I wasn't fully in college yet. And so I was watching him during the day when my boyfriend went to work. I did not know how to be a mom, and it wasn't like he started out as a baby, and we figured it out together, though I'm glad that it, it went the way that it did. And I know that two and a half years old, I mean, now that I'm a grandma, two and a half years old is a baby, but, um, he just had a lot of history behind him.
I had a lot of history [00:02:00] behind me, and we were just sort of thrown into the situation, and it made it difficult. I moved into that apartment within six months of dating, and then I officially became his mom at that time. I mean, not officially as in adopted, but he started calling me Mom. I took on the mom role.
And luckily, Jake and I are close to this day, and I hope that he can forgive me for everything that I did and didn't know all of those years ago. I lost my cool with Jake many times, but there is one that I always remember when thinking about poor parenting and emotional regulation skills. I didn't take Jake to school often because I commuted to work and had to leave way before he went to school.
But one day, I had off from work, so I was taking him to school, and I think he was in second or third grade And I'm sure I would've had his younger sister in the [00:03:00] car, too, which she would've been a toddler. And it was winter, I do remember that, and he was bundled up. And I am sure we were rushing around because I wouldn't have been practiced at getting two kids around and in the car and on time, and Jake had been fighting about wearing his seatbelt.
And it was a rule that we buckled up in the garage before pulling out of the g- out of the garage to go somewhere. But that day he wasn't having it, and I kept telling him to do it, and then I just decided to do it for him because he wasn't choosing to do it. And his school was about 10 minutes from our house, and so I was thinking, "Just get him there and out of this car."
And part of the way there, he unbuckled his seatbelt in defiance. So I'm driving, and I am so frustrated that... And I'm trying to get him to listen to me, and he's, you know, refusing to put his seatbelt back on, [00:04:00] and I used my hand, the back of my fingers really, to hit him in the only available place to me while I was driving, and he was bundled up, and that was his face.
And that was the only place that had any... I don't, I mean, I wish I wouldn't have done any of it, but at the time I was thinking it won't affect him in all the places that he's bundled up. And in the few minutes that it took for us to get to the drop-off, he had a partial red handprint on his face. And I, first of all, I didn't even want him to get out of the car.
I thought, "I'm just gonna turn around. I'm just gonna take him home. He can just miss school today." But then I was probably thinking about all the things I was gonna get done with him not being there, and, um, I also didn't like it when my kids missed school because they already had... [00:05:00] And he als- already didn't like school, and so that would've just made it worse.
Um, and I, what is so crazy is I was against spanking all those years ago, which this would've been the early '90s, and I'm still against it. I don't hit my kids. I don't, I definitely don't hit my grandkids. Oh my gosh, I would be devastated. And when I did do spanking, um, the few times that I did, I just always was so devastated by it that it just never worked for me.
But... And I am a very calm person almost all the time. I used to be a special ed teacher for students who had behavior disorders, and I was at that time probably. Um, it was an interesting time. And as a teacher, I mean, 'cause I was a teacher then, I knew how to contain myself in times when I was upset because certainly we wouldn't hit students Um, but I sent him to school [00:06:00] anyway, and the whole entire day I was sick in my stomach.
I was so sad that I had done it, but I was also worried that I was gonna get a phone call from Protective Services saying that they were taking him away or taking both of my kids away or, um, I was gonna have to go to jail. I mean, I was thinking about everything. And all day long, I just kept waiting for the phone call that said, "You know, you can't have your kids anymore."
And nothing happened. He came home. I, I mean, I can't say he doesn't remember it, because he remembers a lot of, of my bad parenting because we grew up together. But, um, he-- we don't, I don't think we've talked about that particular one. But, um, I just, I wanted you to know the story about, um, you know, everyone has these times where you're just, you've just totally lost it.
And I did preface the story with, [00:07:00] "Hey, I started out not knowing anything." But I mean, even if I would've started out with my own children at the appropriate time, there's gonna be times when you lose your cool or have a bad day or whatever. Parenting is a tough job, and it can disregulate the calmest, saintliest person.
And I believe the most important skill to have in any relationship, but especially the parent relationship, is repair. Pam talks about it in this episode as a family reset. When we make mistakes, and we will in any relationship, we need to be able to talk about it and repair it. We need to offer apologies.
We need to own our part of the mistake. We need to see this from the other person's point of view as well. Both your behavior and theirs serve as important messages in what happened, and they are important. They... It's [00:08:00] information for us to try to understand what was so triggering about that situation.
Why did I respond the way I did? What can I do better next time? What does the other person need to rep- for, in order for this to be repaired? The other person might need time. We need to give the other person, even our children, the right to say that they are not ready for the repair yet. Keep offering the repair.
Pam has a beautiful story in this episode that will show how this works. Parenting, parenting is so important. I think the most important job that we can do, and we are all a work in progress. We will be learning about ourselves and others our whole lives. Let's our, let's allow ourselves to do this learning without beating ourselves up when mistakes are made Let's keep loving our families and offering repair when we [00:09:00] need to.
We are also role modeling to them how to do this in their lives. I know most of us were not parented this way, but it starts with us
How to Move On After a Mama Meltdown
You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 186: How to Move On After a Mama Meltdown.
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you're ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I'm your host, Pam Howard. Hey, Mama.
Welcome to the show, and happy March. This episode is coming out on March 1st, the first day of my free three-day workshop called How to Get Your Kids to Cooperate Without Yelling, Threatening, or Punishing. Hopefully by now you've subscribed to my email list and you'll be joining me for that workshop today [00:01:00] at 2:00 PM Eastern.
If not, there's still time. Even if you only catch one or two days of the workshop, it'll be worth it because I'm going to share a lot of valuable information and be there to answer your questions and coach you live. To get on my email list, just go to lessdramamoremama.com/subscribe and you'll be all set.
So I've been preparing this workshop for you and posting all of these great quotes on Instagram about the difference between reacting and responding. And by the way, if you're not following me on Instagram, I'm @lessdramamama. So anyway, Richard Bach in his book Illusions said, "You teach best what you most need to learn," which is why I want to share with you about two experiences of mine when I've had what I refer to as mama meltdowns.
And my hope in sharing these experiences with you is that you might feel [00:02:00] less alone, you might feel less ashamed or defeated, and you might stop judging yourself so harshly. The first experience was back in 2009 before I had a parenting blog or business, and I don't remember all of the specifics because I probably blocked them out.
But it was a summer morning, Marissa was three, Dalia was a newborn, and my sister Stephanie was in town visiting. I was barely functioning on very little sleep. I'm not sure about the state of my marriage at that time, but there always seemed to be some drama there, and Marissa was refusing to get dressed for camp.
I tried speaking to her in a calm voice. I tried empathizing with her about how she didn't want to get dressed, and she just kept refusing and then snuck under the dining room table. I felt all this frustration rising inside me. Because I was thinking, I just want [00:03:00] her out of the house so I can get a break.
I'm sure you can relate. Stephanie stood on the staircase watching me try to cajole Marissa out from under the table. I was yelling. I threatened to call her camp counselor to tell her how bad she was behaving. And when nothing worked, I just kept feeling more and more powerless and frustrated. She finally came out from under the table and tried to run away from me, but I grabbed her and pulled her onto my lap.
I started spanking her fairly hard, which I had never done before, and I felt like I couldn't stop, like I was just letting out all of my aggression on her. My sister just stared at me in disbelief without moving or saying a word. I don't even think Marissa cried, which probably fueled my feeling of powerlessness even more.
You know, they say that hurt people hurt people. And unconsciously, I think I wanted her to hurt like I was hurting inside. I knew [00:04:00] intellectually this wasn't the mom I wanted to be, but it felt as though someone or something had taken over my body and mind, like I was possessed and my brain had been completely hijacked.
Eventually, I snapped out of it and a huge wave of guilt and shame washed over me. I started crying hysterically. The next thing I remember, the phone was ringing and it was the camp counselor. I thought, how did she know to call me? Had I called her? To be honest, I don't remember, but I must have texted her while all of this was happening.
I let her know that Marissa was refusing to get ready and asked for her help. I put Marissa on the phone with her, and when she handed the phone back to me, she ran upstairs to get ready. I felt like the worst mom in the world. And to top it off, I had a witness. I didn't tell anyone about that morning because I was way too ashamed.
Stephanie and I [00:05:00] didn't speak about it either. The first time I shared it with anyone else was just last year in the writing workshop I taught with Andrea Askowitz about rewriting your stories. That was probably the lowest point in my parenting. It was the moment I knew something had to change. I wasn't the kind of person who completely lost it like that.
I hated the way that rage felt in my body, and I feared what it would do to my relationship with Marissa if I didn't get a handle on it. I don't think I ever lost control of myself like I did that day. But last week came pretty close. That's right. Nearly 13 years and 185 podcasts later, that demon inside me awoke.
Now, to protect Marissa's privacy, I'm not going to go into a whole lot of detail about what she did or said, and instead focus on my behavior. Last Wednesday, I woke her up for school several times, [00:06:00] starting at around six o'clock. We usually leave our house at 7:00. When she still hadn't come downstairs at 6:45, I called upstairs, and she answered in a groggy voice that she was up.
At 6:50, I called, "We're leaving in 10 minutes." At 6:55, I was already fuming. Remember back in episode 175 when I talked about the 10 saboteurs who live in our brains? Well, first, my judge started in by saying, "This is horrible. She's going to be late for her math class. Dalia's going to be late, too. You have a client at 9:00 and need to get back home in time to get ready.
She's been going to bed way too late. She needs to go to sleep earlier. She should be awake by now." Then my victim saboteur joined in. "Poor you. You do so much for her, and this is the way she treats you?" Notice I was making it all about me and taking it personally. Then my controller saboteur [00:07:00] piped up. "You need to take control of the situation and show her who's boss around here."
I stormed upstairs, and when I saw her asleep in bed, I snapped. I yelled, "Get the hell out of bed," and yanked the covers off of her. What followed was about 10 minutes of her trying to convince me to let her stay home and me just continuing to yell at her to get out of bed and get dressed while explaining why none of her reasons for staying home were acceptable.
I even threatened to call a truancy officer, just like I had threatened to call her camp counselor. I felt those same powerless and out-of-control feelings I had 13 years ago. Then Dalia started defending Marissa and copping an attitude with me, so I was yelling at her too. Once again, by some miracle, Marissa eventually got ready, came downstairs, and we all got into the car.
As soon as we did, I apologized for my behavior, [00:08:00] but my apology wasn't accepted, and understandably so. I drove the 25-minute drive to school in silence with hot tears streaming down my face. I said, "I love you," right before they got out of the car and slammed their doors. Now, here is where the story gets interesting.
As soon as I pulled away from the curb, I stopped beating myself up and started talking to myself in a loving and forgiving way. This was so huge. I didn't berate myself. I reminded myself that I'm a human. Yes, I'm a master certified life coach. Yes, I help moms stop yelling at their kids for a living. And yes, I just lost my ever-loving mind.
I didn't hide in shame. I immediately reached out to a friend for support. I shared about it with my parents, my sister, my friends, and even my clients. Instead of [00:09:00] judging myself, I got curious about what I was thinking and feeling that led to my outburst. Instead of telling myself that I've regressed or that I shouldn't teach this upcoming workshop because I'm a failure, I just thought, "Wow, that hasn't happened in a while."
And then it hit me. I could see the sage perspective that every circumstance can be converted into a gift or an opportunity. This all happened to show me how far I've come in my ability to feel self-compassion. It happened to show me that I've still got some more work to do, and it happened so I could share it with you.
Lately, I've been talking with my clients about a book by Dr. Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan called The Gap and the Gain. The premise of the book is that most of us live our lives in the gap between where we are and where we want to be. We measure ourselves against [00:10:00] perfectionistic ideals rather than against the actual progress we've made.
When we live in that gap, we can't ever measure up or appreciate where we are. But when we live in the gain, we measure ourselves against our past and focus on our growth. I did an episode on this idea at the end of December called Look How Far You've Come, which I'll link to in today's show notes. It also walks you through an exercise you can do to help you get into the gain.
Now, you might be wondering what's happened since that morning and how things are going now with my relationships with my kids. But before I tell you that, I want to explore what was likely to happen if I had kept beating myself up and feeling ashamed of myself. First off, I would not have talked about it with other people and gotten support.
I would've still been feeling horrible about myself and the situation when I went to pick them up from school, and I would've probably been somewhat shut down and disconnected from them. [00:11:00] Being disconnected would've likely resulted in more arguments, more yelling, and more disconnection. Instead, I was able to show up to school with a clean mind and be the mom I wanted to be.
Usually, when I pick them up after play rehearsal, I wait for them in the car. This time, I was standing outside the car when they came out. I could see the apprehension on their faces when they saw me and the armor around them. I reiterated how sorry I was about how I had reacted that morning and said I hoped they would forgive me, but that I'd understand if they didn't.
I asked permission to give Marissa a hug, and she said yes, so we hugged. When I asked Dahlia, she said no. She was still very angry with me, and I accepted that. In fact, it took her a couple of days to warm up to me again. Marissa and I have talked more about what happened, our different perspectives, and why each of us felt so triggered that morning.
She [00:12:00] apologized to me, too. Then we did what I call a family reset, where we talked about what's going well, but also what's gone off track in terms of my expectations and how to get back on track. Since doing that, the kids have really stepped up and are meeting those expectations more consistently. I know that it's going to take some time for both of them to feel truly safe with me again, and I'm committed to making that my number one priority.
Whether or not I have what Brene Brown calls a vulnerability hangover after I publish this episode remains to be seen. But right now, I feel very proud of myself for being vulnerable with you and sharing about my experiences. Some of you might be listening to this thinking, "That's your worst parenting moment?
Are you kidding me? That's nothing compared to what I've done." Or, "That's the worst you're dealing with, a kid who refuses to get out of bed?" I get it, but the common denominator is that we are all [00:13:00] humans with human brains and emotions. You may not react to your emotions like I did. Your way of dealing with emotions might be the opposite of yelling.
You might tend to shut down, withdraw, or give the silent treatment. You might start moralizing and lecturing your kids. Maybe you do a combination of things. There isn't a way that's better or worse. The point is that no one is perfect. Nobody parents perfectly all the time, and it's supposed to be that way.
Ask yourself, is there something you need to forgive yourself for? What's something you've judged about your parenting that you could reframe as an opportunity for growth? No kids are perfect either. I realized through this that I was living in the gap about Marissa too, measuring her against what I wished she would do rather than seeing all of her growth and progress.
Most days she does wake up and get ready on time. Being back [00:14:00] at school in person has been so much better for her than virtual school, and so focusing on that helps me to live in the gain and appreciate her more. How are you living in the gap instead of the gain, and how can you shift your focus? I hope this episode hasn't deterred you from coming to the workshop.
I hope instead you'll feel safer to come and get coached by me, knowing that you won't be judged and trusting that I'm the perfect person to help you have a better relationship with your kids because I'm doing the work too. That's it for today. Have a beautiful week, and I'll talk to you next time.
Bye-bye. If you enjoy listening to this podcast and you're ready to feel calmer, more confident, and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You'll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your [00:15:00] own life.
And as your coach, I'll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
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