Why You Freeze When You Need to Speak Up

In this new episode, Cynthia unpacks why saying no feels like danger to your brain — and how tiny daily “Boundary Reps™” can completely change your confidence, your relationships, and your emotional energy. 

You’ll learn: 

⭐ Why your brain treats boundaries like a threat
⭐ The hidden lie behind people-pleasing (and why it’s really fear management)
⭐ A real story of a 19-year-old who couldn’t say no — and how 20 seconds of courage changed everything
⭐ The Boundary Reps Challenge — 10 tiny exercises that build boundary strength
⭐ The mindset shift: “I can handle 20 seconds of awkward”
⭐ The truth that will set every teen, parent, and adult free:

 You are allowed to disappoint people.
And they are allowed to be disappointed.
And nothing is wrong. 

✨ Get the Boundary Reps™ Challenge Worksheet
Download it here

Find my podcast
Email me: ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com
Text me: 785-380-2064
More information

Transcript

Over the past few months, I have been working with a young adult on boundaries, and something happened in one of our sessions that made me stop and think we all need better boundary skills, teens, parents, college students, working adults, even me.

So today isn't just about saying fewer, unnecessary, I'm sorrys. It's about understanding why saying no feels terrifying, why we overexplain, why we try to keep everyone happy, and how to break that cycle.

And you're also going to get something new that I created that everyone should try, and it's called the Boundary Reps Challenge. 10 tiny exercises to build boundary confidence.

In the original episode number one 20, sorry, not sorry. I talked about how unnecessary apologizing comes [00:01:00] from people pleasing and the fawn response, FAWN, that fourth stress reaction alongside fight, flight and freeze. But here's a new layer I wanted to add. Your brain thinks boundaries equal threat, not like a logical threat, but a social threat.

Your brain believes if I say no, they'll be upset. If I disappoint someone, I'll lose them. If I tell the truth, they won't like me. And biologically, your brain reads all of that as danger, not because you're, you were weak, but because you're wired for belonging. That survival wiring hasn't evolved as fast as modern relationships have.

So your brain still thinks, say yes equals safe. Say no, equals [00:02:00] danger.

People pleasing isn't kindness, it's fear management. We don't ghost to protect someone else. We, we ghost to avoid discomfort. We don't say yes to keep the peace. We say yes, to keep our anxiety down. We don't avoid confrontation because we're being thoughtful. We avoid it because it feels emotionally threatening.

It hurts to admit this, but it's also incredibly freeing because once you understand that people pleasing is a coping strategy, not a personality trait, you can change it.

My client, a freshman in college, came to me really overwhelmed. She couldn't tell her parents that she wanted to stay at her current college. She couldn't tell guys that she didn't want a second date [00:03:00] and she couldn't ask her roommates to stop doing risky, stressful things in the dorm room. So what did she do?

She avoided. She ghosted. She swallowed her needs. She let the roommates take over her space. She let guilt make choices for her. She believed something that so many teens and adults believe. If people are upset with me, I've done something wrong, but here's the truth. Someone else feeling disappointed doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.

Their feelings are their feelings, and your needs are your needs. Both can coexist.

I told her this, you don't need to become a different person. You just need to tolerate 20 seconds of discomfort. That's it. 20 seconds to say, I'm staying at this college. [00:04:00] I'm not interested in more dates. I need a room to be calm and safe. 20 seconds of awkward can prevent months of resentment, years of avoiding conflict, a lifetime of swallowing your needs.

And guess what? She did it. She sent the text, she told the truth and set one boundary, and she came back in our next session, much happier, not because the situations were suddenly perfect, but because she felt in control of her life again. After that session, I created a worksheet just for her, but it was too good not to share it with all of you, because boundaries aren't built through one big dramatic moment.

They're built through reps. Little tiny moments where you ask for clarification, say a preference, correct, a mistake, say [00:05:00] I'm not available. Ask for what you need. These small reps strengthen the muscle so that you can handle the bigger things. So here's the challenge. Try one boundary rep every day for 10 days.

And here are some examples of what these boundary reps look like. Tell a barista, I ordered this without whipped cream. Say, I'm not available without explaining. Send one honest text. Instead of ghosting, ask someone to knock before entering. Doing these tiny reps rewires the brain from boundaries equal danger to boundaries, equal safety.

If you want the full worksheet and all 10 reps, go to the link in the show notes to get my boundary reps challenge. If you take nothing else from this episode, take this. [00:06:00] You are allowed to disappoint people, and they are allowed to be disappointed, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong. Your temporary discomfort does not determine your worthiness.

You get to choose your life. You get to choose your path. You get to choose your boundaries. No apology required. If you try this challenge, send me a message. I'd love to cheer you on and hear how it went. And if you're a parent listening, this is exactly what I teach inside my coaching programs. And all of this is available in the parent membership so it can help you to to understand how to model boundaries or how to support your teen and anxiety, or how to stop over-functioning for them.

I'll talk to you soon.