E 269 Why "Being Normal" is Making You Anxious (and What To Do Instead)

 What if “normal” isn’t real?

In this episode, teen anxiety coach Cynthia Coufal reveals why “normal” is a social construct — and how chasing it creates more anxiety, comparison, and self-doubt.

You’ll hear powerful insights inspired by Jonathan Mooney, author of The Short Bus and Normal Sucks, and learn Cynthia’s 3-step Triangle Formula (Perception – Process – Plan) to calm your mind, build confidence, and take brave action as your authentic self.

If you’ve ever said, “I just want to be normal,” this episode will change the way you see yourself — and help you feel safe being real.

✨ Download your free Redefining Normal Reflection Guide in the show notes to start applying the Triangle Formula in your life.
https://cheerful-writer-462.kit.com/2fac7aa60e 

 Struggling with anxiety in your family? If anxiety is causing tension, fights, or disconnect in your home, you don’t have to face it alone. I help parents bring more peace, confidence, and connection to their families. Let’s talk—schedule a free consultation today or email me: ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com

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Transcript

 People just thought, I wish I were normal. I wish I was like other people. I thought that so often when I was growing up and as a school counselor for 25 years, and as a teen anxiety coach, I hear that a lot from clients and students, and I'm sure even my own kids said that at some point. I think probably everyone thinks that sometimes, but I really want you to think about what is normal, what does that mean to be normal, and where does it come from?

And if you didn't know, I want you to know that it is made up. There is no such thing as normal. I did an episode five years ago in, I think it was episode number nine, so you can go back and listen to it because I had, I. Listen to and read this book by Jonathan Mooney called Normal [00:01:00] Sucks. And it just, I mean, I think I cried through so much of it because I just thought how much we have damaged kids by making things normal and not normal.

And I love that even since. 2020. When I did that episode, there has been so much about neurodivergence and how it's actually good to have your brain be thinking differently than someone else's. And we need people's brains to think differently there. We could not have any of the innovations that we've had in the world if it wasn't for people who think differently because that is.

The hallmark of every invention and everything, every art piece and every book that's been written, those people were not the average person. They were. They were [00:02:00] outside of that average. And really, when we think about, and we say to ourselves, I wish I was normal. We're saying I wish I was average, and I don't wanna be average.

We wanna be. I want to create this legacy in the world that I stood for people who needed support and love and belief when they didn't have it. And I think that I'm more like that because of how I feel like I struggled or worried about that so much when I was younger. And I read something recently that said you become the person that you needed when you were younger.

And so I think that's why I've been on this journey for so long, trying to help young people understand their emotions and understand what's happening with them so that they don't have to feel like, what's wrong [00:03:00] with me, and why can't I just be like other kids? And I hope that I, if I was somebody in your life that did that, I would love to hear from you.

I know that I have done that. Even if I don't hear from people, I know that I have helped many young people realize that there wasn't anything wrong with them, and that they were beautiful and worthy the way they were.

And one of the things that I specialize in now is anxiety, and one of the reasons why so many young people. Have always been anxious about is being normal and we're so worried about what's wrong with us and trying to be a certain way or trying to do certain things is very anxiety producing. And so I wanna talk more about why this isn't something we should be chasing and how we can embrace.

Exactly who we are because that's who we're supposed to be. We were sent, we are here [00:04:00] because we are supposed to do something in this world, and sometimes we don't know what that is, and that's totally fine. We can keep trying different things until we find out what it is. But we're all supposed to be doing something here, and we all have specific gifts and talents and ways that our brain works so that we can fulfill that mission or that.

Purpose or idea, and it doesn't have to, you know, we are all, are not supposed to be famous or be doing some groundbreaking invention or something. Some of us are just here to love people and help them believe in themselves and connect people. And so you just have to find what is your, what is the thing and then, then do that.

A couple years ago, I created the triangle formula for managing anxiety, and that triangle was perception, which means that we [00:05:00] understand our anxiety and where it's coming from. Processing, which means being, learning all the skills that it takes to process uncomfortable emotions, anxiety and panic, being two of those, but lots of of our.

Our feelings create some sort of uncomfortable feeling in our bodies. And so really the processing is to process through any of those, whatever those emotions are, and then to plan to create like what's the next step I'm gonna take? What is the next action that I need to do in order to be the person I wanna be or do the thing that I wanna do.

And I wanna use that triangle formula today as I talk about normalcy or you know, getting rid of the idea that there is a normal and how you can become your [00:06:00] best, authentic self.

I think a lot of times when we say, I just wanna be normal, and I really think about when students were in my office across from me and they would say, I just wanna be normal. They were really saying, I just wanna fit in. I just, I wanna belong. I want, I want to feel like I, I'm part of the group and that people like me, and there is a difference between belonging and fitting.

Fitting in and fitting in means I'm going to change me or the things that I like or do, I'm gonna pretend to be a certain way. So that the people around me accept me better or don't think something about me or maybe will be my friend or you know, whatever it is that we're doing. But belonging means that we are accepted just the way we are, that we [00:07:00] come as a full person to the situation, and that people embrace us and want us to be part of that group.

So I want you to think about if there is no such thing as normal, I. If it's all made up, which it is, then we're giving away too much of our power to something that isn't even true and that we can decide in our own minds what we want to be. We. How we feel, what our values are, what our strengths are. We can use those things and be a person that feels good to us and we are gonna find people in our lives that like that very person.

And usually when we're not trying so hard to follow certain rules or do certain things to be in a group and we just enjoy ourselves, people. People [00:08:00] like the calmness, the, the confidence that you have, and it feels good to them and they are actually more attracted to that than someone who is trying to be different.

So that perception, that first part of the triangle formula is just understanding that normal is a made up thing. There was, you know, I don't know, in the 18 hundreds or something, there's a guy that they said that he was the one that started the, the term the average man, and that was like a, they took this average, or what they said was the norm.

Then they made a bell curve out of it. So the normal person was in the middle of the bell curve, and then anybody that was on the sides was abnormal. And I'm not really sure what all that was about. I think sometimes people just wanna put numbers to things, and so they just say, oh, well [00:09:00] this is what most people are, so this must be the normal and.

It became something that people were really being judged against and I think that's where a lot of the normal stuff came from. And you know, using something that was created in the 18 hundreds doesn't make sense now anyway. But sometimes we get stuck in something seeming like the right. Thing that we should be doing.

And then people just don't even question it. They just follow along. And I think that's what we've been doing where normal is concerned. And when you think about, you know, different countries or cultures or even different regions of the United States, what is normal or what is what most people are doing in that area might be different than what most people in the area are doing in your, in your.

Where you live. And so it really doesn't make sense to say [00:10:00] there is a regular way of being because different countries, different people, different, everything is gonna see that differently. And so it doesn't, you know, it can't be a fact because a fact cannot be disputed and you can dispute these normal standards all over the place.

So once you have a perception that there isn't any such thing as normal or that we should, you know, why are we striving so hard to to be this certain thing that is made up? Then we need to be able to process how we're feeling when we do feel like we're not belonging, when we do feel like we wish we were like other people.

And so I wanna teach you a little bit about how to process that.

We all have feelings of I'm not enough, I'm too much, I don't fit in. People don't like me. And you know there are mean people, there are bullies. There are [00:11:00] people that are hurt and damaged and they. Act it out in ways that are mean towards us. And I know that it's hard to just disregard that as, oh, well that's them, or that's their problem, or that's something that has to do with them.

But it's really important to think about that, like when someone says mean things to us or is mean to us, or doesn't like how we dress or doesn't like something that we're doing that. And this goes for parents too, there. Parents for mean to other parents.

Oh, co. Or coworkers that are mean to other coworkers. I think I'm gonna do a whole episode on Mean Girls as an adult because even though I haven't experienced that for a long time, one of my clients recently was telling me about a situation that was going on with her, and so I was like, oh my gosh. That happened to me too.

And I think I definitely wanna do an episode about that, but we all have these [00:12:00] times where we feel like we don't belong or we're not fitting in. So that everyone is experiencing that. Every human has that, so there's nothing, nothing has gone wrong if you feel that way. But when you do, I just want you to be able to realize that you're thinking that, oh yeah, I'm back in that.

That way of thinking and it, in a teen, it can sound something like, you know, why can't I be a star athlete like this person? Or Why can't I win the contest like that person, uh, why do I have to overthink everything? You know, I don't want this anxiety anymore. I want it to go away. Which, you know, of course we want it to go away, but it's not gonna go away.

Um, but we can manage it and. For parents that might sound like, you know, why isn't my child like other people's kids? Why do I have to, you know, deal with this or that? Why don't I fit in with my coworkers or whatever. I had a parent one time come into my office and [00:13:00] she said she was really worried and upset about her son who had he had went out for baseball and, and made the team the year before.

But he was telling her as it was getting time to do tryouts for baseball for the next year, he said he didn't want to. And she said, I just think this is the wrong choice. Like he needs to go out for baseball. Like I just think he's choosing not to go because it's too hard or he doesn't like the anxious feelings he has about trying out.

So she and I talked through some of that, like what exactly was he saying? What. What happened here and in this situation, in that situation. and as we went around to the different stories and I was asking her different questions, I said. Let's look at how you are feeling about this situation that he's not trying out for baseball. And when we really drilled down into it, she said, I will be embarrassed [00:14:00] because my child just should be in all sports.

Like, that's, that was her story about what a normal parent or a normal family is like, is that your kid is in a sports event of re season. I said, what if that isn't the standard? What if it doesn't matter whether he's in baseball or not? And it was just a different way for her to think about it. Oh, that's a story that I made up.

That everyone should be in an event. And there are parents, I, I've experienced these parents before that do believe that that is the way it should be and maybe make people feel bad if they're not doing that, but that is on them. You do not have to buy into the stories that your child has to be in a sporting event every season, or if they're not in 10 competition, whatever, then something's bad about your family or something's wrong with them.[00:15:00] 

Sometimes that's too much. And there, there were kids doing things, uh, when I was a school counselor, like they were in so many activities that I was like, I would hate that so bad. And sometimes I really believe the child wanted to do all those things and they were very excited about doing all those things.

And that's great if your child is very excited about being in 10 different things at the same time, you know, that's fine. But I think a lot of times they're also feeling the pressure of. My group says, you need to be in 10 things, or I've got it into my head that I'm supposed to be in 10 things, or my parents thinks I'm supposed to be in 10 things.

And we really need to process our stories and our ideas about is that really the way it's supposed to be? And we don't have to follow what other people are saying. Because all of that stuff is made up. Somebody made up somewhere that people are supposed to do this stuff and then [00:16:00] everybody just follows along.

But it doesn't have to be like that.

I said earlier that the reason that I started, uh, that I did the normal episode back in episode nine was because I had read a book called Normal Sucks by Jonathan Mooney, and it just spoke to me that summer so much, and I couldn't wait to share the information with everyone. Just to remind you, Jonathan Mooney was, when he was growing up, he was LA labeled as stupid and lazy, and he actually didn't learn to read until he was 12 because he did have dyslexia and A DHD.

Now, I don't know that he was diagnosed as a child, 'cause maybe some of those things were kind of still being figured out. But there were, his brain was working and wired differently where it was harder for him to learn, uh, reading because of, with dyslexia, things get turned around [00:17:00] in your, you know, with your eyes or with your brain where it's harder to read or you kind of stumble around things or it's harder to understand 'cause you're working so hard on reading the words.

And so. They just sort of, you know, brushed him aside as a child who has a lot of problems or has learning difficulties and but he and his mom did not take that as the, the end diagnosis. And he went on to go to Brown University and graduated with honors and has written several books. But he is on this mission to make sure that the world understands that.

Because people's brains work differently is good instead of a problem or something we need to fix or diagnose that it's just a way everyone's brains are working differently. I mean, when you think about humans, we are just one big spectrum of differences. Like there's no, [00:18:00] even somebody who might be on the.

Middle of the bell curve as, which is, you know, the average or whatever. There's still differences that they have that are different than another person who's probably similarly on the scale or whatever. So there's, there's nothing that says that there's any certain thing in these differences that's better than another person.

So he's always, he is searching for all these stories and telling these things and helping the world to understand this. And in that first book I, or in that first episode, I read an excerpt from his book, but it was about a boy that he encountered as he was writing his book and, and meeting different individuals.

And his name was William and he could not read or write, but he hugged and gave high fives to his classmates every day. He taught, and, uh, Jonathan talked about how, you know, that he [00:19:00] couldn't read or write, which is what we consider to be the, the standard for a good student or somebody who's, you know, learning or whatever, but it, it ignored the gift that he had of connecting and loving people and helping people feel.

They belong, which is a beautiful gift to have. And so we just need to be looking at, you know, what, what are our differences and how can they be a gift? How can they be something that we can say, instead of saying, what's wrong with me, saying what's strong in me? So I want you to just try to think about like, what are you trying to hide?

What are you, what are you wishing went away, or what things do you wanna change and how might these very things be Gifts waiting to be, be developed. This is the reason why I love using the [00:20:00] Umap assessment in my coaching, because the Umap assessment shows my clients, their strengths, their values, their preferred skills, and their interests, and instead of them looking at.

I have this anxiety and it's terrible, and this is what's broken about me and looking at all the things that are working for them and how can they use those things to help manage their life in all areas. But anxiety is one of them. And I just think that it's so important for us as we're, we're doing this work on ourselves to try to, to feel better.

And to feel like we're worthy and that we are contributing something in this world is to look at what works for us. What are the things that are our strengths, and how can we use those? And so the third part of my triangle formula is planning. So now we know [00:21:00] that we, our perception of what's normal doesn't make any sense.

And it, it's a made up thing. We can process how we're feeling about that. As you know, what, what are my gifts? What are the things that I can be doing? What are the strengths that I can use in this world? And how can I be totally me and still find that group that I belong in and enjoy being with? And the the third part of this formula plan is now how do I turn that awareness into action?

What can I do next to. Continue and grow into this person that I now know is the way I'm supposed to be, and I, and I can love this person.

For a parent, it might be letting your teen wear what they want to wear instead of what you think they should be wearing. Now, I know there's, there's probably some things you do need to pay attention to, but for the most part I think about when I [00:22:00] was growing up, I was a very unique dresser. I, I wanted to fit in this or belong in some ways and, you know, wear the, some of the trends and have some of the brands that everyone was wearing.

But I did them in my own way. I loved like putting different kinds of clothing together and my mom had a stash of clothes from, from the fifties and sixties I think that she hadn't gotten rid of, and I would kind of throw some of those things in just to be different or show my own personality. I love to go to thrift stores and find like really unique things and wear them with something else and just like mix and match things and.

I really don't know what my parents thought about. I don't think they really said anything about it. I don't think they paid any attention to it, but I remember that I so desperately wanted to do that and I continued to do it. But there were very mean kids [00:23:00] that called me names or treated me bad or said it was weird and.

I approached it kind of in an angry way where I was just mad at them for not understanding that people could be different. And so when my daughter came along and she was doing the same things, being a unique dresser, trying new things looking pretty crazy sometimes. I totally, I, I honored it and I totally respected it, but I was so scared for her.

I didn't ever tell her not to do it. But I did caution her a lot. Like, well, I am so glad you wanna wear that stuff, but I think people are gonna be mean. And I think, you know, people might not like it, but the difference with her is that she had confidence. She didn't care that other people didn't agree.

She almost, it was almost like she could. Not even hear it. Like she [00:24:00] could go to school, be herself and if kids didn't like it, she really didn't care. And I think it was easier for her because I helped build up that confidence in her. I don't, my parents didn't know to build in my, build up my confidence 'cause they didn't even understand what was happening.

Um, I knew because I had lived that life and also worked in school, so I knew what people at school did and. So I think that gave me an edge to understand that kind of thing. But I really did try to help her have that confidence and then she did. So it went so much better. She wasn't approaching it from an angry, you, you don't accept me, so I hate you.

Which is also being mean to people. I didn't want people to be mean to me, but then I was mean because I didn't like that they didn't understand me, where she was like. This is who I wanna be. This is what I wanna do. And, and they can do whatever they want. And so sometimes for parents who weren't that kind of teenager, [00:25:00] when their kids are trying to be rebellious or different with clothing or hair colors or tattoos or whatever it is now, um, or ways that you pierce your ear, I don't know.

There's so many ways that kids try to be different. Some parents get really upset about that because it's like, oh, this isn't right, or this isn't normal, or this isn't whatever. When really you know, allowing you to change your story about what you think people should be doing or what parents should be doing or whatever can actually be very freeing for you.

Maybe it's speaking up in a meeting, even though you know your voice is gonna shake. Or even though you might get emotional. I know so many people don't wanna be emotional at work, and I didn't either, but sometimes I was like, you know, this is who I am. I get emotional when something's very important to me, and I didn't really talk out in meetings very often, but if I did talk out, it was important.

And with that importance came emotion. And so. Accepting that, [00:26:00] that it was okay that I could be emotional and still be professional. And maybe that's something that you need to think about or maybe especially as the holidays are coming up maybe you feel like you need to keep up with the Joneses and have all so many lights or decorations out, or you need to go to so many different activities or need to have so many parties or people need to attend certain things.

And what if. You just let it be. What if you just do the things that you wanna do? What if you just do the things that feel good to you and you just let your kids do the things that feel good to them, and you just don't worry about what other people think or what they say is regular or the right way to do things.

And when you notice that your brain is going to the shoulds or the way it should be, or what people should be doing, think oh. I'm not supposed to be them. I am supposed to be me. And [00:27:00] maybe that's something that can help you feel better or maybe have the mantra. I give myself permission to be real. I give myself permission to be me.

I find that to be so calming and maybe even putting your hand on your heart so that you can just. Give yourself a little love that it's okay. You're okay as a parent. There aren't any specific rules about what you're supposed to be doing or how you're supposed to do it. There's no rules about what your kids are supposed to be doing.

And remember that that brave action, that planning, that third piece of the triangle, it's just sometimes looks. Like this very smallest step. But when you keep making those small steps, you're gonna look back and be like, oh my gosh, look how far I've come look at the things that I've done. And I just think that that's amazing.

So let's, let's [00:28:00] recap this triangle formula in the sense of breaking out of what society says is normal. First of all, just perceiving that. Normal is a made up thing. There's no such thing as certain things that we're supposed to be like because everyone is different and it's okay. And actually the people that are different, the people that are outside of what was used to be considered normal are the people who are doing the things that we need in this world.

We need people that are just connecting and loving people and helping, inspiring people. We need people inventing things and writing books and creating art. Those people are always outside the average. And so we should be celebrating, uh, being outside the average and that our kids are outside the average and that we are outside the average.

And just processing that knowledge and just allowing ourselves to talk to ourselves in a kind way when we [00:29:00] are being unkind or getting in those loops of thoughts that we should or shouldn't be doing certain things. It's okay. And you know, that's the story I used to tell myself. Now I'm telling myself this new story and just feeling the feelings.

'cause all the feelings are regular and okay and human and what all humans experience and that we're gonna feel 'em sometimes and then we're gonna work through them. We're gonna allow 'em to flow through our body and then we're gonna think about what's our next brave action that we're gonna take. Those are, and that's our planning.

So

when you catch yourself thinking, I just wanna be normal, I just want to fit in, just think, okay, what am I perceiving right now? How can I process this feeling and not fight against it? Just allow it and think about it, and think about what's our next brave action.

You were never meant to be [00:30:00] average. You are here for a mission. You just need to keep working at what it is. I'm still working at what mine is. I know that my mission is helping young people feel better, and whether I'm doing that through my work, one-to-one with young people on managing anxiety. Whether it's me working with parents and my parent membership and helping them, because if I help parents to feel better about their parenting, their kids are gonna feel better.

Which again, there's my mission of helping young people and I'm also still working with school counselors in my state and in in the whole United States helping school counselors. It makes us everything they can to be the best school counselors that they can be. And if I can help school counselors do that, I'm helping young people feel better.

And I, I know that this, this mission is still unfolding. This mission is still. [00:31:00] Being created as we speak, and I would love for you to be a part of that, whether you work with me one-to-one as a young person, and I work with college students as well as high school students. And so if I can help you one-to-one,

if I can help you one-to-one, manage your anxiety, learn. Everything there is about yourself so that you can move through the world with confidence. That's gonna help so much if I work with you as a parent, and whether you're a parent of one of those teens or young adults, or if you're just a parent in my membership trying to figure out how do I help my child with anxiety?

Or what are some things that I can do to be a better parent? Or if you're one of those school counselors out there that's learning from me in ways that you can make school counseling better. I am so glad you're part of this mission, and I'm just gonna keep working so hard to be that person [00:32:00] because I know that that is my mission and legacy in this world, and it would be so fun if I could meet you and know that you are part of this too.

So I will talk to you soon. 

I also forgot during my, when I recorded this episode that I created a redefining normal reflection guide that you will find in the show, net show notes or the description in this video. I. Want people to be able to have some sort of a checklist or some journal prompts that they can can write on or think about to help you redefine normal because there is no such thing.

And so just create your own normal whatever you want it to be. And that sounds way more fun to me. So check that out and I will talk to you.