E 259 Simple Science-Backed Stress Relief for Families

Have you ever wished there was a way to calm stress quickly—whether it’s your teen shutting down, emotions running high, or life just feeling overwhelming?

In this episode, I sit down with Barb Fletcher, a Certified HeartMath® Coach and Stress Mastery Educator, to explore simple, science-backed tools that help you shift from chaos to calm in just minutes a day.

You’ll learn:
✨ What “coherence” really means and why it matters for parents and teens
✨ A two-minute Quick Coherence® technique you can use anytime, anywhere
✨ How parents can model calm to help their teens regulate emotions
✨ Practical ways to manage test anxiety, overwhelm, and daily stress

When Barb walked me through the Quick Coherence® exercise, I immediately felt calmer and lighter—and this is something your teen can even practice quietly in class before a test or during stressful moments.

💡 Try the Quick Coherence® technique today with your teen and notice the difference.

🔗 Connect with Barb Fletcher:
Website: https://www.barb-fletcher.com

LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/barbara-fletcher-stress-coach/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/barbfletchercoach

🎧 Listen to more episodes of The Teen Anxiety Maze Podcast:
https://podfollow.com/the-teen-anxiety-maze

👩‍👩‍👧‍👦 Work with Cynthia:
Learn about 1:1 coaching and my parent membership: https://calendly.com/ccoufal/60-minute-consult

Timestamps:
00:00 Why stress feels overwhelming
02:15 Barb’s journey with HeartMath®
07:00 What coherence really means
10:00 Quick Coherence® Technique (step by step)
15:00 How teens can use this in the classroom
21:00 How parents’ calm energy affects their kids
28:00 Where to find Barb Fletcher

👉 If this episode helps, don’t forget to subscribe, and share with another parent who could use a little more calm today.

#TeenAnxiety #ParentingTeens #StressRelief #HeartMath #AnxietySupport 

 Struggling with anxiety in your family? If anxiety is causing tension, fights, or disconnect in your home, you don’t have to face it alone. I help parents bring more peace, confidence, and connection to their families. Let’s talk—schedule a free consultation today or email me: ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com

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Email me: ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com
Text me: 785-380-2064
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Transcript

Cynthia: [00:00:00] Have you ever wished that there was a way to stay calm, even when your teen is shutting down, emotions are running high, or stress feels completely overwhelming. What if there was a science back technique that could help you shift from chaos to clarity in just a couple of minutes a day? Well, today's guest, Barb Fletcher, is here to answer those questions and more.

Barb is a certified heart math coach and stress mastery educator who helps people experience stress in a whole new way. Her superpower is translating, cutting edge science into simple, practical tools that actually fit into our real lives, whether she's working with overwhelmed parents or high performing teams, Barb's mission is the same.

To help you feel more in control, more connected, and more resilient, no matter what life throws your [00:01:00] way. Get ready to learn what coherence really means, why it matters, and how you can start using it today to transform tension into connection. So let's dive in. Barb. I'm so excited for you to be with us today.

Barb Fletcher: Thank you so much for having me. I'm always grateful for an opportunity to talk about stress and power up people with tools that will in fact do just what you said, change their life. 

Cynthia: Mm, I know. I love that so much. And we have so much stress and anxiety in the world, so we definitely need this information.

So first of all, tell us a little bit about, um, your background and how you got to be this HeartMath educator. What is HeartMath? Tell us some of that stuff. 

Barb Fletcher: So I spent 35 years working for the province in New Brunswick, and I live in Canada. [00:02:00] And throughout that career I developed all kinds of stress and, and it presented itself in my body.

I developed something called TMJ, which is Jo, and the dentist prescribed a guard for me to wear at night, and I quickly chew through one. Then I chewed through a second one, and then I chewed through a third one. And when I went back for number four, he said, Hmm, I think the next step is to, we're gonna break your jaw and wire it shut, and for six weeks you will eat with a straw.

And I was like, Hmm, maybe I need to take some personal responsibility for the stress. That I'm experiencing. And so that really catapulted me into this journey of finding ways and tools to actually be well. And so when I finished up that long career seven years [00:03:00] ago, I then, uh, decided that I could play.

And that's exactly what I do now. I help people who are experiencing stress and help them find an easier way. Hmm. One of the reasons that I chose HeartMath was there, there is, uh, more than 30 years of peer reviewed science, which all kinds of techniques out there. At the same time, they're not all science based and I knew that the people I had worked with, I had been in healthcare were likely to say, okay, show me.

Why this really works. Mm-hmm. And so the science behind it resonated with me. And, uh, hence this career, um, the encore career became a reality. And, uh, so Heart Path is really about energy, intelligent [00:04:00] energy management. And so what does that mean? It's about really understanding what happens to us throughout the day, what experiences and emotions actually add energy to us, and which ones actually may drain if we had an internal battery drainage.

And so through self-regulation. Quieting the nervous system, we're able to more effectively manage our energy so that at the end of the day, we still have some, uh, energy for those that matter around us, and, uh, perhaps actually get to enjoy life in a very different way. 

Cynthia: Hmm. Why is it called heart math?

Tell me about that. Like what, is there like some adding or subtracting or what is, what is the math mark? You 

Barb Fletcher: know, it, the focus is really around heart and so it's it's the [00:05:00] self-regulation and the messages that are going back and forth between the brain and the heart. And interesting enough, there are more messages that go from the heart.

To the brain, then from the brain to the heart. Mm-hmm. And so that one's really important because we've all said to somebody, just calm down. And they may think in their head, I'm gonna calm down. It's okay. I'm gonna be fine. But our body is doing something very different, and that's because our heart is involved.

So when we actually feel into that emotion, what we're able to do is actually find that smooth space, that nervous system that's now been geared up to be the most effective it can be for the particular day. Hmm. [00:06:00] 

Cynthia: And so tell, tell us what coherence is then. Is that meaning like how these are aligned or how they work together?

Or what, where does coherence come in? 

Barb Fletcher: So if you think about having four people in about paddling and. They're all paddling in the same direction, in sync. That's really what coherence is about. It's about being in the flow. It's about using the energy we have in any given day in the most effective way.

Possible. So if in that same boat we had two people in the middle and they weren't in sync and, and we wouldn't get nearly as far as we might mm-hmm. As if we are in coherence. And so we're able to actually visually see what coherence looks like with a biofeedback that we can [00:07:00] clip onto our ear and we can actually see what the heart is doing.

And so when we're in that incoherence state, we'll see all kinds of jagged movements. In our heart, which is measuring heart rate variability. And when we're in a coherent state, we'll see nice, smooth oscillations, and sometimes that biofeedback serves as a useful tool to help people remember what it feels like to be in coherence.

Because if we've been at a sync for a very long time, we don't really remember what it feels like to be good. Feel good. 

Cynthia: Well, I was just thinking about, 'cause I was in education for 31 years and there were many kids that came from a chaotic home where I'm not sure they ever knew what mm-hmm. You know, anti or no.

Chaos was like, like their whole life. There was just this chaos going on. [00:08:00] And so I could see something like that where maybe they're learning for the first time. What does it feel like to be calm or in, in sync? And they could, and I could see how the visual of watching that or seeing that would be helpful for them so much.

Now is that what you do in your, in your practice is actually do biofeedback or is that just like an example of how we could figure out if how we were in coherence? 

Barb Fletcher: So the biofeedback is helpful. The techniques are really standalone, and you can practice those without the biofeedback. Now, for teens, sometimes gadgets are really helpful and apps on their phone, and it gives them concrete evidence.

The stick to itness that's required to actually get the practice really does need, um, some [00:09:00] handholding, perhaps some integration into real life. Because if you said to a teen, you know, you just need to practice five minutes, twice a day, they would say, I don't have any time. My days are full. Mm-hmm. So I.

When I'm working with people, I help them weave these practices into their existing day without having them feel like, oh, something else to do. 

Cynthia: Mm-hmm. Well, can you teach a simple technique to us and then also tell us how it might be weaved into our regular day? 

Barb Fletcher: Hmm. So. The Quick Coherence is really the foundation of all of the HeartMath techniques.

There are series that help us tap into intuition, strengthen communication, a number of things, find ease in chaos, and so, but the quick coherence is [00:10:00] really one. Because it says quick, it means that when things are happening around us, we can either stop the chaos that we are feeling or maybe we're actually just gonna build some more energy in our battery.

And so the quick coherence has three steps. And I'm gonna, I'll tell you what they are first, and then we'll walk through them. So the first one is we focus our attention in the area of our heart. And so for some people that may feel a little bit peculiar or odd, and one of the things they can do that just keeps reminding them is just place their hand over their heart and just feel their chest moving up and down.

The second step is we imagine that our breath is flowing in and out of our heart area. We're breathing in and out through our nose. A little bit slower, a little bit deeper. And then [00:11:00] the third step is a feeling of appreciation, ease, love. So I usually, when I'm working with people, I would encourage them to think about.

An experience they had, a place they visited, um, a pet. I usually steer them away from people, 'cause people sometimes have wobbles. Mm-hmm. And we want that feeling of appreciation to be a reflex, to be very easy for them to actually quickly refer to. So, are you ready? Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay. So the first step and the great thing about the quick coherence is you can do it with your eyes open or eyes closed.

So we, I have people who can do it while they're driving, while they're walking the dog. People do it at bedtime. There's no end to the options, and we'll talk [00:12:00] about how we can weave that in after. So we focus our attention in the area of our heart. Imagine that your breath is flowing in and out of your heart area.

Breathe a little bit slower and a little bit deeper,

so heart focus, heart breath, breathing in and out through your heart area. A little bit slower, a little bit deeper.

And if during this busy day there's a thought that pops into your head, just imagine that you have a feather and just tap it. Wow, that thought to pass. And bring your attention again back to your heart and your breath. So heart focus, heart breath.

And on the next out breath, I want you to feel that feeling [00:13:00] of appreciation. So heart focus, good breath, heart appreciation, feeling into that experience, that path, that place. So heart focus, hard. Hard appreciation.

Cynthia: Mm-hmm. 

Barb Fletcher: So what did you notice? 

Cynthia: Well, I feel definitely calmer and it just, it feels light kind of floaty in a way. Um, and. I'm always trying to teach teens things that they can do maybe in the classroom, because many kids who have anxiety want to leave the things that they're. Um, that are making them feel anxious, but leaving a classroom then puts you behind for knowing what's going on in the [00:14:00] classroom or, um, and then some of my clients don't even wanna go to school period.

'cause they don't want to go deal with that. And I'm always trying to find things that they can do while they're still setting in the classroom. Like you don't have to leave the room. To do something and this is something that they could do while they were setting there. Maybe they have test anxiety or maybe just the classroom is a little bit chaotic.

'Cause unfortunately, you know, educators come in all forms and some are amazing at classroom management or whatever, and some are not. Or you know, sometimes you just have a certain group of kids in a room that. Pretty rambunctious together, and that's can be, um, off-putting to some of my clients. But having something where they can use this at their desk and still be staying in the room or going to school would be so amazing 

Barb Fletcher: and they can practice and no one even knows they're practicing.

That's the [00:15:00] magic. 

Cynthia: Mm-hmm. That's the magic. Mm-hmm. 

Barb Fletcher: The other interesting thing is if they have test anxiety. So practicing coherence before tests and ex and exams actually has been proven that the outcome and the, the scores that these students achieve actually went up. Mm-hmm. Because being in coherence creates that clarity of thought, takes away all the busyness that happens to be, uh, going on in the mind.

Cynthia: Yes. Well, and with my clients, when. You're in anxiety or panic part of your brain shuts down. And so then if you're there and then you're trying to take a test and they're, they, you know, the kids will say, well, I can't remember what I studied. Well, that's because part of your brain is not working correctly.

And so being in this coherence, calm space can open up their brain for all the parts to work, which is exactly, [00:16:00] you know, what they want and what their parents want as well. Now. You work with probably all different ages, mm-hmm. From young people to adults, and that's what I love about what I do too is that even though I'm just working with teens and their parents the way that you manage anxiety can be done the same whether you're, you know, a toddler, they have to be told different things because they're of their life experience.

But the same things can work no matter what age you are. So you probably find that in your work too, that the, these practices and techniques you can find ways for all ages and all situations for this to work. 

Barb Fletcher: Interesting enough, I had a call with a group of people who, uh, were training to be working in long-term care and one of the moms said.

She finds it hard to practice at night and you know, so I asked her what she did in the evening and she said, well, I put my two children to bed. They're [00:17:00] four and six. And what I said to her was, she said, well, I sit on the bed with them, um, before they go to sleep. And I said, well, that's a perfect time for all three of you.

To practice. Mm-hmm. And if you can start with a four and a 6-year-old energetically everybody feels better after having practiced it. And I know from experience my own 6-year-old granddaughter that she looks forward to that feeling at bedtime, um, when she and I practice. And so. It's a question of how do you weave this into your daily life?

I also often, you know, for people who say, um, there's no time, I say to them, okay, so today is Wednesday and you have your cell phone, [00:18:00] and lo and behold it's outta battery, would you say, okay, I'll just wait till Saturday. To plug that in.

And the answer of course is no. And so that's the same level of priority that we need to give to self-regulation. 

Cynthia: Mm-hmm. 

Barb Fletcher: Um, fortunately it doesn't take very long and we can have our battery recharged. You know, we might need to leave our cell phone there for an hour, but we're not talking that long. 

Cynthia: Mm, no, that was just such a quick thing, and yet I did feel so much better.

And, um, even though I've done a ton of these interviews, I always get nervous ahead of time. So, you know, there's a tension in being nervous before you get started, and it's nice to that would be a great practice to do right before I get on these calls, to just [00:19:00] feel mm-hmm. Um. You know, more in tune with myself and just feel, and I'm always appreciative of the calls, you know, the recordings or whether they're.

Consults or, you know, planning sessions with people because, you know, I love connecting with people and that this is just, you know, when, when I was thinking about what I was appreciating during that, the, the technique I was thinking. I'm, I appreciate that I have the opportunity to meet so many people in my podcast and that I'm getting to know another person that I didn't know before.

And, you know, I do appreciate that so much. Um, and everyone can find things I liked. That you said you talk a lot about places and pets instead of people. And I think that's probably a good idea because yeah, the pet pets are just, you know, they're just unconditional love all the time. And, you know, a place is, is a neutral, but can be beautiful or peaceful or calming.

So I hadn't really thought about [00:20:00] about that before. So what would you want parents to take from this? Like what is something that they can do right away? This technique for sure, but what should they be thinking about doing? And then also how they can, can find you or talk to you if they'd like to.

So

Barb Fletcher: we know that if parents are in coherence. Their children, their teens will behave differently. And I am forever reminded of a nurse who said to me, I don't have anything left to give at the end of the day. And. So she said, when I get home, my children are difficult. They're arguing, they're hungry, they have homework to do.

And so I suggested to her that when she arrived home, she should sit in [00:21:00] her car for five minutes and practice before she went in the house. Mm-hmm. So the week later, she comes back to the group and she says, you're not going to believe this. She said, my children have changed. No, how she showed up energetically and how she was able to reset before her evening is really what they were experiencing.

So, you know, in these situations where we have people around us who are anxious. It's our job to be as solid and as coherent as we possibly can be, and bring our best game, and then think about how do we help move the needle for them. 

Cynthia: Mm-hmm. Oh, I love that. I, I remember telling a teen one time when I was still in school counseling.

They always complain, you know, this teacher's always mad. They're [00:22:00] just yelling at us all the time. I don't like them. I'm always getting in trouble. I'm always getting kicked out of this class, whatever. And I said, the next time you go in there, I want you to think about all the stuff you love about the class.

And you know, there he didn't have a whole lot of, a long list of things, but you know what is good about it. You know your friends in there, you like that particular desk. Um, maybe something that you learn in that class you enjoy. Maybe there's a smell in the class that you. Like better than in another class or whatever we just talked about.

What are some things that you like and just think about those things and don't think about that. The teacher's gonna yell at everyone and don't think about how you're gonna get in trouble. And that just that changing of how they came into the room because they were looking for the good they were.

Trying to think of the things that they enjoyed about the room instead of, I hate this teacher, I'm gonna get in trouble. You know? And it really did. It showed them that how you [00:23:00] show up, how you arrive at something is part of what makes things happen or not happen. And it was fun to watch that. So I, I could see, you know, as a parent, if you're going into your house, calm.

It's gonna be different than if you go into your house already mad at everybody, 

Barb Fletcher: which I think people 

Cynthia: do 

Barb Fletcher: and we accumulate experiences throughout the day. Some are ones that would be positive and some that might not be. And if we haven't purposely reset the energy of those experiences gets felt by those that.

We bump up against. 

Cynthia: Hmm. I think that this would be such a good thing to teach to teachers and students and schools. I don't, do you ever work with schools? 

Barb Fletcher: I haven't. Well, yes I have. I've, I've presented to a middle school, and you're right, it is it's one of those things [00:24:00] that if teachers were to take 30 seconds.

A minute at the beginning of the day and practice this technique with their kids. Mm-hmm. Um, I think they would reap benefits far beyond any resistance that they might bump up against with mm-hmm. You know, the odd one who thinks it's a, a little silly, so mm-hmm. It schools, schools and teachers would benefit and teachers for sure, because.

They are experiencing all kinds of challenges all day long. 

Cynthia: Yes. 

Barb Fletcher: And so, you know, if they have a challenging experience and then they move on to the next class, if somebody happens to maybe react or respond in a particular way, and it reminds them of the previous situation. Their [00:25:00] subconscious is ready and willing and able to say, here we go again.

Mm-hmm. And guess what? The person in front of them are may get treated with the experience of the previous character and it wasn't warranted, or it's mm-hmm. You know, it's just a very different situation. 

Cynthia: Yes, and I, I have seen that before. I talk to educators a lot about, you know, you can't regulate kids from a dysregulated state, like you have to be regulated as well.

And this would be a way to regulate so that you can then be better at helping kids get regulated. And I've been talking more and more about like. Every transition that you have in school. If you're in an elementary school where you're the teacher all day, you still have transitions in between, okay, now we're gonna get out our math books, or now we're gonna do reading, or now we're gonna go to the MA music class, or whatever.

And [00:26:00] I think that they should be taking this couple minutes every time. Okay, we're transitioning, let's do you know our. Whatever they would call it, you know, our transitioning technique, we're gonna get ready for the next phase of whatever we're doing. And then in high school it would be so easy to just do it bell to bell so when the bell rings and the kids leave and go to the next class.

Okay. When we get settled in our class, let's get. Centered in, into what we're doing here in this class. And then let's get started because sometimes it's hard to get kids to settle down to get started on a class and they only have so many minutes. So if you could get everybody in their best learning space before you got the class started, you would get so much more done than, you know, getting it started.

And then, oh, you sit down and you be quiet and you do this other stuff. And, um, it just. We just don't spend enough time on regulating people. 

Barb Fletcher: So this group of adults that are training to be, uh, employees in long-term [00:27:00] care. I actually last week just created three videos for them. One that is, they're less than two minutes long and they practice it first thing in the morning, one that they practice at lunchtime.

Mm. So it sets the tone for their afternoon, and the third one is at the end of the day, so that whatever they're experiencing, they can do that reset before they move on to the next transition. So if you could do 30 seconds or a minute for each class bonus but there are ways that, uh, you can, uh, achieve huge results with.

A very small time investment. 

Cynthia: Yeah. And when you were talking about parents doing it with their kids, I've told teachers to do it with the students because they need it for themselves as well as kids needing it to get ready for the class. So I love that so much. Tell us how we can get ahold of [00:28:00] you. If, if there are parents or educators or anyone that's wanting to connect with you, where do they go to find you?

Barb Fletcher: So I have a website and my website is www dot barb fletcher.com and I'm happy to have conversations with anybody. There's a way there that you can book a call and we can chat about what stress looks like for you and if any of these tools might be a good fit. I'm also on LinkedIn. Facebook and Instagram.

And so I think that you'll have all the links in the show notes. 

Cynthia: Yes. And I'm gonna put those there so that people can just click on 'em and go. I love that. Whenever I listen to podcasts, I always go to the show notes so I can find their guest and, you know, connect with them and follow them because. I've met so many people that way too.

So. Well, Barb, thank you so much for being with us. This is so helpful. [00:29:00] And I love just the simpleness of it because I think people are overwhelmed right now. Kids are overwhelmed, parents are overwhelmed, educators are overwhelmed, and this is just such a simple thing that we can do that can change so much and we just need lot more of those things and people like you in the world helping us with that.

So thank you so much. Thank you for having me.