The Teen Anxiety Maze- Parenting Teens, Help for Anxiety, Anxious Teens, Anxiety Relief

E22 Why can't I get things done?

February 09, 2021 Better Regulate Than Never Episode 23
The Teen Anxiety Maze- Parenting Teens, Help for Anxiety, Anxious Teens, Anxiety Relief
E22 Why can't I get things done?
Show Notes Transcript

We all want to avoid tasks sometimes, but this habit can rob us of all of our success. Listen in today to find out why we procrastinate and how we can stop this habit now!

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Oh my! This topic today is such a tough one for everyone! I know that teachers and parents get so frustrated with young people about procrastination, but it is a problem for everyone. Now most of us figure out a way to deal with it somewhat effectively, but some of us don’t. I want to give you some help in this area today, but you will have to be uncomfortable, like all worthwhile things, it can be difficult.

Procrastination is when our self regulation fails. This whole podcast really boils down to self regulation. If you do not try to figure out how to regulate your emotions, many things can happen. Procrastinating is just one of the by-products of not regulating yourself.

Procrastination is putting off tasks until the last minute that usually creates negative consequences. 

Sometimes it seems procrastination is just part of life. I don’t think I have had a day where I didn’t hear about it from someone. “I was going to get up early today, but I just hit the snooze. I told myself, I will try tomorrow. I was really tired.” “ I know I was supposed to come to school with my homework today, but I didn’t have enough time to get it all done.”

Do you find that you feel overwhelmed by everything you are asked to do? Do you feel angry at your parents and other authority figures because they are always telling you what to do? Do you feel trapped because you don’t know how to do the work, but you are so behind there is no way to catch up? Do you fear talking to your parents or teachers about your assignments? Do you feel guilty or ashamed when you are watching Netflix or playing video games because you know you should be doing your homework? Do you wait until your parents start yelling to do the chores they asked you to do?

Talk about negative consequences. How are you feeling during all of these scenarios? Terrible! and yet we procrastinate to relieve negative feelings about the task to do, but procrastinating creates negative feelings!! What a mess. Let’s try to figure out what to do about it. I promise, I have already given you some great tools in Episodes 12 and 13 about having a routine and making a calendar with all of your tasks. If you haven’t listened to those episodes, those 2 practices can go a long way in helping you overcome procrastination. There is even a video in Episode 13 show notes to show you how to set up your digital calendar.

But today, let’s dive deeper into why we are procrastinating.

There is a short reward when we procrastinate. When we have a lot of tasks ahead of us or our parents or boss have asked us to do some tasks, we probably feel some tension. Maybe it is anxiety or overwhelm or anger, depending on what the situation is.

At first, when we decide to avoid that situation it provides relief. I can feel that feeling right now. Procrastination was my go to technique for YEARS for self regulation. If I get overwhelmed or angry, I called it being paralyzed. I would just stop doing anything and would curl up on the couch or in my bed and sleep or read, listen to music and forget about the anxiety or overwhelm, but GUESS WHAT?! It was there waiting and WORSE when I got up to go on with my day. And now I have LESS time to do the task and now I feel more overwhelmed and anxious. Luckily for me, the tasks that needed to be done were important enough that I would complete them, but not very well. Unfortunately, I am seeing young people not do the tasks at all. They are just giving up and failing all over the place! I think this causes so much emotional tension and turmoil that they just check out from their life!! To recover from that you will need some adult help and support to get you out of that hole. It may require some counseling or therapy in your community and if it does, that is fine. If that is what you need to feel better, go for it and please be open to that possibility, but today, I am talking about the kind that causes us a lot of discomfort and some failing, but we are still performing somewhat. Me in my younger years.

When we use procrastination to self regulate, we lose self confidence. We can’t trust ourselves to have our own back. Of ALL the people in the world, we should be able to trust our own self. I have found this trust in myself just in the LAST YEAR. It took me 50+ years to decide that when I say I am going to do something, I DO IT!!!!

When I decided I was going to start this podcast, I started working on it. Sometimes it was hard, I had to learn a lot of new technology, Sometimes when it is time to think of new ideas for episodes or when I am writing, I feel stuck and I don’t know what to write or what topic I should do, I keep going. I decided this year that I was going to stop snacking and eating too much. Every day I honor what I said I was going to do. I am worth it and I should have my own back. You should too!!

In the routine and calendaring episodes, I talk about using your prefrontal cortex to organize and plan to get things done. That is what I do to help myself stay on track. Most people say we have to use WillPower to do things we don’t want to, but I want to tell you that Will Power is like holding that ball underwater. We can hold that ball down for awhile, but sooner or later it is going to pop up and then we are back to an old habit. Using the prefrontal cortex to plan for your day is using the WHOLE brain. The part of your brain that knows what's best for you and it is the only way we can think and learn and reason. This part of the brain is used BEFORE will power would be needed. So I plan ahead of time what I will work on that day for the podcast or I plan my food for the day, in the morning before the day starts, then I just follow the plan. My brain may offer other things to do or eat, but I just remind the procrastination part of my brain, that I have already worked out a plan and I don’t need to spin in confusion or doubt or delay over what I have planned. I just tell the procrastination part of my brain, “Oh there you are, I see you, but I don’t need your input.”

Then I get my tasks done or eat what I say I am going to eat and I feel amazing at the end of the day because I can trust myself to make the right decisions for me!

Sometimes we need help and support from others to get on track. Please be willing to reach out to your parents or teachers for some help in getting organized. 

We might procrastinate because we don’t know where or how to start. Please ask your parents or teachers to help you figure out how to start. They would much rather help you figure out how to start, than be frustrated with you when you are not completing the tasks. 

There are also so many apps that can help with procrastination. When I researched for this episode, I found apps you can put on your phone or computer, that only allow you to work on one program at a time, for instance one app only allowed one window open at a time and you couldn’t open your email or gaming sites or youtube during a specific amount of work time. There are also apps for your phone that set a timer for so much time to work, and then it gives you a short break time and then back to work for a specific amount of time. Technology is amazing and you should be finding apps that help you stay on task and stay organized. There are many of them and I am sure you can find some that will be helpful.

Another reason people procrastinate is a fear of failure. Now this doesn’t really make sense when you think about it, “I don’t want to fail, so I am going to avoid this task and fail because I didn’t do it OR I do it poorly at the last minute.” I am not a perfectionist, but I do have students that are and this is a problem. If their project isn’t perfect or if they feel overwhelmed to make it perfect, they don’t do it.

Think about how uncomfortable it feels to fail. Think about how uncomfortable it feels to put something off and have it hanging over your head. Think about how uncomfortable it feels to have your parents mad at you or punishing you because you didn’t get your assignments done. Think how uncomfortable you feel when you get a failing grade...when your teacher is disappointed in your work…. Oh My Gosh! We didn’t avoid the uncomfortable feeling we were trying to avoid by procrastinating!!!

Remember when I said, if you can get comfortable with feeling ANY feeling, you are unstoppable. We need to get comfortable with ALL of our feelings. When we feel overwhelmed with homework or chores, we need to sit with that feeling for a bit. Where do we feel it in our bodies? Get VERY specific about where it is and what it feels like. Don’t try to escape it. If you just let it be, it will get quieter and may even leave within 15 minutes. THEN get up and make a step towards whatever is overwhelming. This is a way to be unstoppable. Don’t let that feeling override the thinking part of your brain. Those thoughts and feelings may still be with you, but let them be buzzing in the background as you go forward and get your homework/chores started. You will feel such a sense of accomplishment by starting and this is the first step in building a relationship with yourself that is solid. You have your own back. You need this so desperately in life, because we don’t always have teachers and our parents around us to tell us what to do. We need to parent ourselves. Start now while you have support around you. You will be miles ahead of your peers if you do this.

Some people need accountability partners. This is a person or persons that will help you stay on track when you don’t want to. They can talk with you and remind you of why you were trying not to procrastinate. You choose who you would want that person to be. Find a friend who also wants to stop procrastinating and you could support each other. Share tips about what works. I always learn things from my friends when we talk about our struggles. They might know of an app that helps or a podcast they listen to or an exercise program they are really enjoying.

When we are procrastinators, our brain offers us false thinking that confuses us or makes us feel better.

Has your brain offered these thoughts to you before, “I work better under pressure.” “I’ll feel more like it later.” “I didn’t do too bad last time I waited until the last minute.” “I have plenty of time, I will do that later.” “This is stupid. I don’t even care about it.” “There must be some way I can get out of doing this.”


These statements feel so true at the time our brain offers them because we want to believe them. They offer that small bit of relief from the tension we are feeling. Don’t fall for that small bit of relief. The ball is going to come flying up out of the water and the overwhelm and anxiety will be back worse than ever.

When your brain offers these thoughts, don’t be angry with your brain. It is just doing its job. Just notice and be curious. You can say, “ I understand that you are trying to protect me, but I am going to get started on this project. I am going to try a different way of doing things this time.” You will need to continue to steer your brain around quite a bit until you have built a solid relationship with yourself. This is new territory for you and your brain, so you need to continue to practice it. Every time you plan to do something and you accomplish it, you will be strengthening your confidence in yourself and your brain will quiet down. Now I know from experience, that it doesn’t ever go completely away. You will need to stay on guard for those thoughts, but once you figure out that YOU are in control and not your brain, you will get so much more done.

Remind yourself that you don’t HAVE to do anything. You are CHOOSING to do the work.

That helps me quite a bit when my brain offers me these kinds of thoughts. I don’t have to pay my bills, I am choosing to. I like to know that they are paid and I won’t have bill collectors calling me and people trying to sue me OR having my electricity turned off or water turned off. I like those things and I want to keep them going.

I don’t have to pay taxes. There are people who don’t, but I like not worrying about going to jail or having to lie about a lot of things. I like my peaceful little life of following laws.

Create rewards within and after accomplishing your tasks. I don’t like cleaning, but I love my house when it is clean. I create a playlist of super fun songs that I like that make me excited to clean. I tell myself, I get to listen to that playlist for the next 4-5 hours and that is my reward for doing the work. I also tell myself, when you are finished cleaning, you have the rest of the day to do what you want to do. YAY I love free time.

Here are a few examples of how to get started on a task when you don’t want to:

Example 1: Start Studying

Feeling: It’s Wednesday and you are tired. You have a Spanish test on Friday. You want to put off studying today and push it all to tomorrow, Thursday, which is what you typically do. Problem: In the past, this hasn’t really worked because you feel overwhelmed and stressed out. You end up staying up late and are exhausted the next day.

Strategy: You give yourself a task that you know you can easily accomplish. Solution: You decide to study just five vocabulary words, since learning vocab is the easiest thing for you.

Example 2: Start An Essay

Feeling: You have an essay due for your English class and you’re feeling overwhelmed. You have good ideas, but getting them onto paper is hard. Problem: You think you need extra adrenaline to get it done. You decide to watch TV and to start writing right before bedtime, when you’re pressured to finish.

Strategy: Instead of viewing the essay as “all or nothing,” you figure out what you can do easily to get started. Solution: You set a simple task for yourself— to write the first sentence before you eat dinner.

Example 3: Start Your Homework

Feeling: Chemistry is a tough subject and you need extra help from your teacher. Meeting with her after school would be beneficial. Problem: You are starving and want to go to Chipotle, but you also don’t know how to solve those chemical equations.

Strategy: Instead of getting help with the whole assignment, you ask your teacher for help with the first question only.Solution: You meet with your teacher for just a few minutes, ensure that you understand how to do the work, and then run to Chipotle.

I am so glad to be able to help you with ways to stop procrastinating. This information can help you in EVERY area of your life and for the REST of your life. 

Thank you for listening. I would love to hear how you are getting things done and achieving your goals. Let me know how you are doing or ask me how to create a strategy for a different situation. Please share this episode with your friends and on social media.

Every day we get to decide what our thoughts are going to be, Choose wisely!

Talk to you soon!