[00:00:00] Hi, everyone. I want to talk to you about the word lazy or calling people lazy, especially calling teens lazy. So I try to go on parent I guess mostly Facebook pages, places where parents hang out and. And I try to help them with different teen problems that they're having and just kind of comment on things that are going on.
And I noticed that a lot of people were saying, my teen's so lazy. And then they would give like different reasons why, like they were, they had messy rooms or they weren't doing their schoolwork or. They played video games all day or whatever, whatever. I mean, there was like many reasons why they were calling their kids lazy.
And so I just felt really bad about it. It just didn't feel, it just felt so condescending and rude and disrespectful [00:01:00] to their teens. And I just put in the comments, cause I really do believe that everyone does. the best that they can do. And when someone's behavior is behavior that's off putting or upsetting, it's usually a signal that something is not right.
Something's not going well for that person or that teen. So I, Don't even remember my exact words, but I just put something in there like when teens act lazy or when you see that kind of behavior, it usually means that something there's a skill maybe that they haven't learned, or there's something that's not going well for them and it's looking like being lazy.
And people weren't super mean to me, but there was a lot of parents that were saying, Oh yes, laziness is totally a thing. And my kid is so lazy and they do all these things. And I was just so sad about it [00:02:00] because, and I just got out of the conversation cause I don't fight with people. And sometimes people, once they think something, that's just what they think and they're not going to change their mind.
So I knew I wasn't going to change their mind, but I thought, I really want to talk to you To parents, but I also want to tell teens that I understand and maybe they're even calling themselves lazy. I know I have said I was lazy for so many years and it was because people told me I was lazy and it was because I told myself I was lazy because I wasn't as active as other people, which I now realize.
It's just a personality that I'm a person who isn't as active as other people. And that doesn't mean I'm lazy. I'm actually not lazy at all because I work really hard in my life to have the things that I want to have. And I like also like free time and I like to lay around and listen to videos. So But I, I finally have now realized that I was saying I was [00:03:00] lazy and I'm not.
So I just kind of want to talk about this thing, calling people lazy or saying that teens are lazy, because I really think that being that, that, that the action of looking like you're not doing anything is actually probably a symptom of other things. So that's the kind of what I want this episode to be about.
It's for parents to understand. Where some of that behavior comes from and for teens to understand that as well because self awareness is going to teach us so many things in the world and will help hopefully help you to kind of decide what to do about it when your child has that kind of behavior.
So to be motivated to do something, we have to have certain things in place. And so humans like to have some sort [00:04:00] of challenge or difficulty level in their life that makes life exciting. So if things are too easy, then it's boring and we don't want to do that. But if things are too hard or too overwhelming, that is hard to deal with.
And so we tend to shut down when things are either of those things. So to be motivated, things have to be kind of medium. Difficult or medium challenging. And so sometimes for school, you know, like we say, our kids are lazy about school, but school can be boring where it's not motivating because it's too boring and it can be too hard and overwhelming, which then also.
makes a teen not be motivated to do it. Sometimes there's too many steps, too many things to do. And so I remember, oh my gosh, I worked with kids who were neurodivergent. So of course, they usually [00:05:00] need things to be in smaller steps or fewer steps. And There was this tech college that was near us and that kids that needed accommodations, which the neurodivergent kids most of the time needed accommodations, but in order to get these accommodations, they had to do like 12 steps and then kids would never be able to finish the 12 steps.
And then they would be. The school would be like, well, they never asked for any accommodations or they didn't follow steps. So now they can't get accommodations. And it was so crazy. So task size can affect motivation because if things are too hard, then people are just going to give up and not do them.
And if there's too many steps or there's too much to do, you know, I sometimes listen. Well, A lot of my clients will tell me all the things they have to do, all the homework, all the activities, all the practices, all the volunteering things. I mean, it's [00:06:00] so overwhelming. I have a hard time imagining doing all the stuff and they have a hard time being motivated to do all those things too.
Also, if we don't feel like we have any control over things, we're not very motivated. And I feel like that even now, like if I want something to change or I want to do something, but there's too, there's too many people I have to go through to get permissions or I don't want to do it either. Like it's too hard.
It's too time consuming. It's too, too much. And imagine how teens feel about lack of control. They really. They don't control a lot of things about their lives. And so it makes it less motivating to do something about it because they don't either don't sense they have control over it or they truly don't have control over it.
And then just unmet needs. If they don't feel like they get along with people in their family or they don't feel like they get along [00:07:00] with people at school or their teachers or they have anxiety, which is going to be the main topic today. They really feel like they're not motivated because There's all these things that these needs that are not being met, and they have like this fear of failure or fear of not fitting in or fear of not doing well and this perfectionism stuff.
And then they're just like, I'm out. Forget it. I'm not going to do it. And I totally get it. I am definitely one of those people that if things become too overwhelming, I shut down. And I think that's what is happening with so many teens, like instead of parents and teachers and people in their lives, trying to figure out why are they shutting down?
They're just saying, well, parents, They're just lazy. These kids are lazy. And then the more you say to them, they're lazy. They're taking on that identity of, well, I guess I'm lazy. I, I [00:08:00] did that. People said that I was lazy and then I'm like, well, I guess I'm lazy. So now I'm really not doing anything. So. So even if there is such a thing as lazy, which I'm saying, I don't really believe that there is a character trait of being lazy.
I think that when we see lazy type behaviors from kids or adults, it's because they're Some of these things things are too overwhelming. They're anxious. They're a perfectionist. They're bored. There's so many other things that are going on and it looks like laziness. So I'm going to say there's really not a character trait of being lazy.
And so when we're telling someone they do have that character trait, then especially a teen. They're going to either live into it or, you know, and, and they think that there is no hope to fix it because it's like, oh, well, I guess I'm lazy. So there isn't anything else I can do about it.
So when we're noticing this about [00:09:00] teens in our own teens are as parents, or we see this at school or our neighbors or other people. young people that we work with. Maybe we're a boss of teens and they're acting what we think is lazy. We really need to be asking some questions. Like what's going on? Is there maybe some skills you need to learn that you don't have?
Are Are we asking them to do too many tasks or are we making it too boring? Are we making it too hard? Are they overwhelmed? Are they lacking feeling like they belong at school or with the teachers or in their activities or at their work? I mean, let's. Let's dig into that and let's find out like what is going on.
And when teens do have a day where they just play video games all day, isn't that okay? Considering that, you know, we all need some self care and maybe their self care is playing video games all day and your self care looks different. So what? [00:10:00] You know, my self care, I finally am okay with this, but for years, self care was TV for me.
And, you know, there would, I felt so bad because there were so many teachers that were like, Oh, well, I don't, I don't have time to watch TV. I'm too busy doing work. And it, it made me think, Oh, there's something wrong with me because I spend my time watching TV instead of. Doing this extra work or whatever.
And that's just the way I am. I am not a very active person and that's okay. And I finally have come to terms with it that, you know, I like to use my brain a lot and I can use my brain sitting in this chair for 10 hours. And I'm okay with that. It doesn't bother me. Now that's probably not super good for me physically.
And I'm okay with that because I do get out and walk and I do do other things. But if you're a teen, their self care is laying around [00:11:00] taking naps or watching video games or binge watching Netflix or whatever, and they're. Most of the time doing other things and getting their work done, then let them do that.
And if their self care is sleeping late on Saturday and Sunday, so what? I think we need to be less judgmental of them and let them figure out what's good self care for them and not make them feel bad if their self care is sleeping more or playing video games or whatever. So we just need to let people figure those things out, but we need to ask a lot of questions.
And as parents, we need to figure out, you know, what exactly is going on here and having open, honest conversations about it. And if they aren't being responsible, they're not getting to be places on time. They're not going to school. They're not doing their schoolwork. We need to figure out what is going on, you know, like [00:12:00] why aren't you doing your schoolwork?
Let's get down to the, the real reason why that's happening and not just saying that they're lazy because you're actually letting them off the hook if you're just saying, well, you're lazy. So. Cool. You know, then there's no reason for you to figure it out because they're just lazy, or there's no reason for them to figure it out because they don't think there is something they can do about it.
And sometimes it's confidence, which again, I think is, is really anxiety related. So if you don't feel confident in your ability to do stuff, It's sometimes way easier to just not do it than to face the fact that maybe you don't know how to do it or face the fact that you might fail and it's okay to fail things.
That's how we learn stuff, but we're not teaching kids that. And as parents, we're so freaked out if people fail things because we think it means that our teen is going to turn out terrible that we're not allowing them to have. Some [00:13:00] uncomfortableness, some failure, and for us to just allow them to figure that out.
And we are of course there to support them. And we continue to, to ask them, you know, what can we do to help you? Is there any way, you know, is there anybody you want me to talk to about it? What is your plan to get out of this failure? What is your plan to go to school and let them have some agency and some control in the future?
Making that happen, but how can we, you know, kind of help them with that because they don't have all the skills they need just because our teens look like many adults and sometimes they do act like adults. So then we're like, Oh, well, they've got it all figured out. They don't, their brain doesn't develop fully until 25.
And so while they're living in our home, even in that. college time, even by the time they graduate from college, they're still trying to figure those things out. And so it's okay to be [00:14:00] asking them how you can help and what you can do. And and maybe they do need outside help to figure these things out.
That's what I do. I help teens and young adults figure out those parts and I really do think that laziness a lot of times the way, you know, when we're seeing that, I think we can almost always connect to some sort of anxiety. And so. I help kids figure out anxiety. I help them figure out what's right with them.
I help them figure, once they figure those things out, they have more confidence. They have more ability to get the work done and turn the work in and go to school and all the things. And so if you're feeling like, well, my kid's just lazy, let's look at it. and book a call with me. Let's talk about what we're, what you're seeing and how the things that I do in my program could help you see a different child and help your child figure out ways to [00:15:00] become challenged and not overwhelmed.
So that they can, they can have some self care times where they're not doing anything, but then they're also being successful and doing the things that they want to do and doing the things that you want them to do that help everyone feel at peace and calm in your home. So don't call your kids lazy.
Don't say that teens are lazy. Don't think your neighbor is lazy. Don't say that other adults are lazy. If they. If you are showing signs of not doing anything, it's because something else is going on. And many times it's anxiety. So let's get curious. Let's investigate what's going on. Contact me so we can talk about it.
Let's come up with a plan to help them and everyone will have a much more peaceful, wonderful time. I'll talk to you soon.